Hopelessly... Merciful...

Personally, I do not understand why is it I think the way I think? Get it?

Rephrase, I do not understand how was it that I derive the conclusion to my own thoughts on certain situations. Example would be, I will always think that my section commanders are not listening to my orders due to the fact that I was once a 3SG and also when I was a new PS.

My appointment was in the end neglected and thought of as RUBBISH from my fellow peers as they go ahead with things that I know will not work out. Therefore I just stop talking altogether. Now that was my REACTION to my Thoughts.

I can't help but feel that for the past few months I was in VIPER. I don't really feel like a family. More like a forced Family Union that currently, some of my cousins and younger generations are showing. Even on Facebook. Nevertheless, I will still put on a good show. Do what I can for my platoon and irregardless of what other platoons say about my platoon. I know I have did my best.

Its just that sometimes, those few PSes that love to shoot my platoon. I understand that my platoon is the way it is. Then so be it. Why the hell you interfere? I finally understand why Ridzwan told me to FUCK OFF whenever I try to run his platoon. Its a nagging feeling in me that nearly exploded. But everytime I suppress it.

There were times I really wanted to just shout at my fellow sergeants to stay out of it. You want to talk to them? Can. But you want to talk down my platoon then be ready. That was my initial thoughts at first. Until I told myself that they are my commanders and I cannot "control" them like Recruits.

This applies the sameway to my fellow Sec Comds. So much for being a PS. No one really listens. Ask them to do things they will consider two to three things before they start doing. And they did it TO ME ONLY! Their OWN PS!!! FUCK YOU BASTARDS!

So far the new spec has proven humble and irritable due to the fact of his way of lying to us about certain issues. But nevertheless he's ok. I'm talking about those that entered my platoon since the previous batch of PTP. They think that just because they went through a PTP phase they know their stuff. They are seriously wrong. Instead, they find new ways to smoke out and from all people, ME! Their PS.

Then All you section commanders just FUCK OFF LA! What for I need you guys who will not listen to me? Although yes you did your JOB. But there are more things then your Job scope.

One of them said to me and I will always remember. "You think you got do this before? You don't know how tough it is!" That time that sec comd was doing a demonstration for Fire Movement. I only pointed out some mistakes to let him know. He took it the wrong way.

Maybe it was the way I phrase my words. I should have complimented him first. The next thing was to discretely tell him his mistakes.

Still, he told me off that day. And I was freaking piss. He did not know that I went through the same shit as him, just that it was more shiong. I did it with my fellow batch, and we did it, nicely. Double J, former OC Viper, took us one side and applaude us in our very UP demonstration.

He still is my Sec Comd, and is still getting on my nerves. I can't help but to always want to put him in a difficult situation as a retaliation for his mistake. In the end, my moral values got the better of me.

I'm sick and tired of being nice, of being merciful, but in the end... I can't. I just can't.

Confused to the Max...

I feel pretty much empty these past few weeks.

I would be putting all my white lie face, saying that everything's ok. Everything is going well, I don't mind making the sacrifice, these are my white lies for the past 3 weeks. I don't feel belonged at all, whether in cell group, in viper coy, at home, with my relatives, even in Church. Its like a whole new void altogether being formed in my soul, and the devil is laughing from the shadows as he see me struggle with my own personality, character, breaking down in front of him. I hated it that I have let the devil win this area over me.

I can't stand it that the fact whenever I pray, someone just steps into the room and I can't lock it. Its been like this since I have been in Tekong. I tried to get to my routine of praying. But I can't. I want to do my own things, I can't. Others can have their off days and all that, they all took up the space, leaving me, with nothing. I hate to inconvenience others, but by doing so, I have just inconvenienced myself. Such is what bullying is all about. I can't make the stand to say that I want to have my off day. When I feel that I am doing something which is selfish, I just won't do it. I can tell if I'm being selfish, which I believe its definately a character refined from God. But even so, I feel that this part of me is taking away all my privilages, my offs and my rest time. I wish I knew what was right and wrong in the place that I am in.

There is freedom in commandership, but that is precisely why I can't see the right way. Talk about standardization, talk about being good commanders, talk about doing the right things yet people still do the wrong things. SO WHAT THE HELL AM I SUPPOSE TO FOLLOW!!!