Identity Crisis... Who in the world am I now?

I have been asking the same question over the past 2 weeks and its been haunting me. Ever since I had the interview with a PC, I can't seem to draw any real confidence when it comes to making friends with the whole lot at V coy. Sure, I love the 'Up' Lifestyle, because it is a reflection of how my church will be and will always be. I like to influence with the given authority by SAF to inspire new recruits with the things that I learned in church. But I still feel that I am not really a 'commander' person. I don't put on a strong front like the way Ridzwan does, or not as fit as Joshua that could give the platoon punishments worthy of his fitness. Neither am I Fei Peng, who is both fitness and puts up a strong front. I am not like them.

I was compared to Ridzwan in terms of commandership and having that sort of personality. I understand that as commanders we have to appear strong-willed and confident, but how can I do so, when I have not what Ridzwan had or even Josh had, or even FP had. I have been searching for answers about myself and all I get is more questions that torment my very being, and voices in my head telling me that I can't live up to my job. I let people climb over me, why? Because I do not like to impose authority to others as it constricts relationships with one another and I myself haven't really been in their kind of shoes. I don't club, I don't drink, I hate saying vulgarities. I am soft-spoken because I realized what my loud tone of voice did and it will get out of control. But that is what we need to do in order to transfer instructions.

Then people say that I should not listen to the older generation and what they think. That I should do whatever I think its right and of my own style as well as BE MYSELF. Now that is rather misleading, sometimes being myself doesn't make me a Platoon Sergeant. I start questioning on what BEING MYSELF really meant, and I just can't find it. Probably because all this time I have been putting on a mask. All this time I have placed on my face many mask that now, I don't really have much of a personality. If personalities change in my often, I feel that I have been faking myself for the past like 20 years. But thats Impossible! As I write this all down, I began to think what I wrote over the past 2 paragraphs could just be utterly rubbish, or between the lines of all those depressing and lost statements, lie my true self. I am depressed. I am happy at the most trivial things. I enjoy being an introvert and do not mind extrovert activities. I like challenging things but do not like to execute much of it. I like to give ideas and letting people acknowledge it was a good idea, but most of the time they were just ignored. I tried to talk to people, but I can't because I am tongue-tied on my words and can never speak my mind.

Identity Crisis is the worst form of punishment for a guy or girl to take. It just makes me feel that I have no purpose in my life at all...

Discovered Limitation = Breakthrough Revelation

Why the above equation? I have been doing a lot of thinking. Possibly the only good thing about BMT is that you really have nothing to do when you are on 'lau', but I make it up by thinking through what I really need to do or want to achieve within this year. Apart from pastor Kong sharing on how he discovered that people's views and influence affect his Faith to dream bigger and do bigger stuff, I realise I have been affected the same way. Only, I do need the techniques to be a changed person.

I realized that by voicing out, or being vocal, actually makes you look confident. I really thought it was about arrogance and that if I voice out, I will seem like I'm trying to 'wayang'. I was always reminded by my best friend, that I must not have the mentality to please other people. Realizing is one thing, but to put it to action, I have to do it on my own.

Limitations are put by people's views upon you. You have to break out of their confession on you and only yourself is able to counter it with your OWN confession of what you want to be. Sometimes it is just Yourself confessing the negative that gets us limited in everything we do. I can't help but feel a new faith in me. I wish to be a person of destiny, of influence and of righteousness. I want to spread this on to my recruits.

New Year... One Year... Goals for the future!

I've decided to pen down my "unrefined" goals for 2010! Here are the few that I have considered, but haven't really planned on my SMARTER Goals Card.

-Build up physical strength and endurance

-Find a way for extra income

-Save up at least 500 bucks per month, hope so.

-do not eat snacks!

-IPPT Gold ASAP!!! Like once I'm given the go ahead for my second year IPPT.

-Must get MARKSMEN for my range

-Lead with Confidence and Garang-ness, but do not compromise safety and mission.

-Be less rebellious to my family members especially my mom...

-Be cunning as a viper, gentle as a dove.

-Make a decision based on research of the various art schools I have been looking by the end of this year.

-Devise a plan and timetable for my routine so that I will follow and not go out of place.

-Able to relate to others, but not let their emotions and mine get the better of me.

-Spend more time with my fellow cell group members. Although its hard since I am stranded on an island, but I really hope to get my civilian life back in check soon!

-Oh yeah... Look for potential girlfriends...

-Lastly and most importantly, get my life RIGHT with God and walk his path once again. And to maintain and to hold my tongue for every vulgarity I am about to speak.

There is actually more to that... But I can't remember it all.