Confused to the Max...

I feel pretty much empty these past few weeks.

I would be putting all my white lie face, saying that everything's ok. Everything is going well, I don't mind making the sacrifice, these are my white lies for the past 3 weeks. I don't feel belonged at all, whether in cell group, in viper coy, at home, with my relatives, even in Church. Its like a whole new void altogether being formed in my soul, and the devil is laughing from the shadows as he see me struggle with my own personality, character, breaking down in front of him. I hated it that I have let the devil win this area over me.

I can't stand it that the fact whenever I pray, someone just steps into the room and I can't lock it. Its been like this since I have been in Tekong. I tried to get to my routine of praying. But I can't. I want to do my own things, I can't. Others can have their off days and all that, they all took up the space, leaving me, with nothing. I hate to inconvenience others, but by doing so, I have just inconvenienced myself. Such is what bullying is all about. I can't make the stand to say that I want to have my off day. When I feel that I am doing something which is selfish, I just won't do it. I can tell if I'm being selfish, which I believe its definately a character refined from God. But even so, I feel that this part of me is taking away all my privilages, my offs and my rest time. I wish I knew what was right and wrong in the place that I am in.

There is freedom in commandership, but that is precisely why I can't see the right way. Talk about standardization, talk about being good commanders, talk about doing the right things yet people still do the wrong things. SO WHAT THE HELL AM I SUPPOSE TO FOLLOW!!!

Army Journey VIPER Coy: Whole lot Knock it Down...

As I stepped into Viper Coy in BMT, my first thought was, I should be able to live in this coy. The first reaction the moment I enter was a shout of welcome and people all start jumping and hooting.

Little did I know what it means to be the 'new' guy. The shit starts hitting me as I progress through my first ever PTP batch. There isn't really much to say about life at Viper as the OC is rather demanding. But if he doesn't demand the standard, then we might as well live life carefree and whatever we want to do. That is so, so wrong. So far being in Viper has been a positive experience. I've been doing my job well, mostly to the best of my abilities.

As I am new to the whole instructional tour, I still feel the uneasiness of not fitting in totally to the coy. I guess as time passes, I will be able to express my own thoughts soon to whatever planned activities there are in future.

Personally, I love my platoon 3. Especially finally when 2 of our High Key events were fianlly done. I pray that platoon 3 will continue to perform and stick with the attendence.

I just realized I only knock the platoon down only when certain safety or standards are compromised. But comparing to other commanders, I don't really do excess punishments, because I know that if I can't even do the punishment, why even implement it on the recruit. But hey this are just commanders woes. I hope to strive to be my own commander. Nope, I'm not going to aim for best commander, but to be a respectable commander who not only get things done, but keeps the platoon motivated and together. I can never be like my fellow sec com, Mahatir, but he is a very good sec com. If I were to learn one or two things from him it would be the way he instills motivation to the platoon.

So far, the army journey is gradually getting from high on the graph to low... as the days start counting down once I hit next year.