Finding Gratitude, Getting Respect, Releasing Forgiveness...

Clement. This word in the dictionary mentions about being merciful. I can't help but repeat this portion about myself. Because it is totally true. I'm too merciful. I realised this since young. I've always helped people who are in need, feeling a little generous, but definately very gullible.

I realise within my time so far ever since in NS, that I am easily manipulated. I can't help but just agree to do work that others refused to do. In other words, I was always tasked to do things that are not in my jurisdiction, my job-scope, to carry out. Sometimes I feel like a peice of meat just being cut to pieces bit by bit and giving it away to other people to just eat me up. That is how I friggin hate myself for. Its like a gift and a curse, my name. To be merciful is suppose to be a positive effect, but to a certain degree being overly merciful causes me to have conflict with the other commanders. I can't work together with them at all.

I have a working style which I guess they hated me for it! How I know this? I guess I am naggy when it comes to reminding people of their task and what to do because they gave me trust issues as well as that they don't really carry my instructions out eventually. That's why I remind them, NICELY too.

But the response I get, especially from my "older" peers like Ridzwan made me think that my instructions are insignificant and totally bogus. Like I am useless arse and should not listen to me at all. I guess that he can tell that I don't really fit this position well as a PS. Once I used my own initiative to tell OC that if we are needed at the Lecture Theatre and eventually we don't have to be, he got pissed at me for not informing him and for 'over-stepping' his authority and to leave him there sitting with OC in a lecture theatre. Although he reminded us of the upcoming activities as well, I never once complained. So what is his bloody problem? What is my own Bloody problem? Why am I given a role as a PS in the first place? I question myself many times. I think so far all my post on this blog is questioning that phrase. I can really tell and I guess for my friends who read my blogs so far can agree that I really hate this job. I rather be a section commander, doing duties but at least I don't have to arrow people and I can concentrate on my section. I function in an environment where people praise me for my good work, who listens to my suggestions and at least considered my suggestions for awhile. I am not the kind of person that just throws away your suggestions before you can even give it. I will consider, I will even reason with you and talk to you about it before I start to derive a conclusion. I hate to issue orders, to give people work to do, to lead people unless they are motivated and know what are the objectives that need to be completed. I guess that is where I really need to work on, to motivate a bunch of unmotivated individuals to do your bidding BUT it is for their benefit and for good cause as well.

As I keep writing, the less frustrated I have become but yet the longing to just get the bloody hell out of here is still getting stronger and subsequently, I can feel the breaking point coming soon. I guess this is the greatest test so far in my whole NS life. It is the worse kind of life and also the life on a stupid island has also rendered me into stupidity soon enough.

Puh-leese... GROW UP!

My least favourite letters. R E C. Its the initials for a rank called Recruits. Bunch of Maggots all of them. Attend C for nearly the whole week this week. Surprisingly, manpower expects us to perform with these bunch of low-lifes. Despite their A level backgrounds, they are physically weak, which is understandable... BUT. They are FRIGGIN WEAK IN THEIR IMMUNE SYSTEM! As well as their MENTAL STATE! Totally, no Fighting Spirit. I can't help but think, did their parents even do anything to prep their sons for Army?

However I believe strongly, that physicality, mentality is just the small percentage that plays a part. But the one thing that really, really, determines if you are good, that you are somehow capable, is the ATTITUDE.

If you have an excellent attitude, anything is possible. If you can't solve the problem, there is always another form of solution, its just that you have not thought of it yet. If you have a positive attitude towards the adversity you faced, with every situation you will turn it around to your favour. But it all starts from YOU.

Your ATTITUDE determines your ALTITUDE.

The Horizon never Looked so Bleak...

I understand the power of change, but it has to change for the better, and not worse. OC likes to go down the chain of command in meetings. He likes to take our disagreements and flung it out the window. He seems as if conceiving our ideas will just bring more problems to his life. Its not like ideas will kill unless its something big.

Arrows are flying, officers and specialist have a wall. Well, at least for me. I can't really talk to my PC at all. We are just too different. Although, we have common interest in the guitar, but I just can't comprehend and understand why he does things this way.

Firstly, he didn't give me a vision of the platoon, I had to do it. I used my Male by Birth, Man by Choice motto to get the party going. But that is as far as my mission goes. To improve dramatically, there is a need to expand on our horizons and see the future from where we stand. Also to execute it and bring it to fruition. But what stops this growth is something that humans will always have. The FUN factor. If it is not utilized, it will be hell on Earth.

Secondly, he is a follower, like me. He follows everything OC gives him, which is a little wrong. After the time when he mentioned he wanted to let these group have unit form of training, I knew, immediately, where the flaw lies. He expects them to be soldiers already right after the two weeks confinement week. Then every idea he just take it in. Sure you can take it in which leads me to my third point.

He did not show much Respect to us specs. He wouldn't even talk to us about this. Sometimes its also because of our CSM. I tried to work with him. I really do. I can't understand how Encik Ong, is able to tahan 'Double J' and still work together with him. He is always arrowing me, his PS, and because there is a P in front, we are always mistaken to be the PA to the PC.

OC? Much to talk about. He is apparently being the worst nightmare for every person in Viper right now. I don't see how UP it is anymore, I don't see how we are relevant to the local boys... Although some of his attentions are good, but I felt that it was unreasonble.

I've felt that I have been disillusioned that everything will work out my way. I have been disappointed many times because I asked for things that people are not motivated to do.

I have a fellow spec, who told me that he does not have the motivation to even do his work anymore. Highly likely because he also knows that the army is a place where nothing really flourishes, routine and full of laws and regulations which is nonsensical to him.

Another spec of mine only cares about his ORD, sticks to his BUNK most of the time and will only communicate to the recruits in a soft and kind manner. Not saying that he can't be nice, but I'm wishing for him to be not too nice to them. But his attitude to army is to just do the bare minimal and to slack, get out of the radar and to enjoy his bunk experience during OFFICE HOURS.

Then again, out of the two specs under me, the first one at least listens to what I want and is willing to 'HELP OUT'. Whereas the other, is sometimes motivated to do and other times, if I don't tell him to do he won't do. And even if I do not tell him to do, he will do his own way and sometimes he overrides whatever instruction I gave to him.

This is probably what the problem lies. Within my specs and the management of the company. This is probably the only thing that pisses me off and got me disappointed many times. Because of such people I feel demoralised in doing the things that I need to do and I for one felt burnt out at the amount of admin work I have to do.

Then again, I have crazy expectations towards my own people, knowing Viper to be a very shiong company, I thought that the specs were up. But no. Once new management comes in, they took advantage of the situation and change their style altogether. Although Viper is still sort of shiong to the rest, to me, I felt that our substance is slowly waning and changing. Though I'm not sure if its for the better and all that but then again, we are only Specs.

I think I see a trend here. Apparently, whenever I try to put a little initiative, it causes other people to be bothered and angry. And reacting to that, I mellowed down and was in turn, screwed for speaking up. Maybe I really, really think too much. But that's what kept me going, thinking for the recruits welfare, trying to keep it in the flow. Wanting to not cause others extra trouble and work to do. And ultimately, I derived to the conclusion, WHAT THE FUCK IS RIGHT AND WRONG???

I totally agree that army is the worst place for creativity to flourish. In terms of leadership wise, there are many things we cannot do, many things to follow by and many things to commit by. The Heirachy system, overides everything I have ever came up, and despises all the actions I have done so far. So should I stop being nice? Should I stop thinking? Should I stop being a 'jerk' to others? SHOULD I LEAVE THE COMPANY?

I think I came to this conclusion many times especially with the new OC inside. My new PC likes to give me more trouble and work, but not more welfare and rest. I in turn have no choice but to give my section commanders the job. I hate delegating jobs. I really think that as a PS, I have failed. I can't think otherwise for people getting pissed at me, and I see loads of PSes and how I felt pissed about them because of their own actions. I think about how as a PS I can motivate my recruits but I can't do it. I don't have the substance, the height, the calibre... It seems I was choosen on a wimp. I couldn't survive in my environment any longer. I feel stifled, insecure and totally irrelevant. I finally understand, what it means to be a sandwich.

I hate Army Life.

Fresh Blood, Frest Start!

Today, the new recruits of Viper will be arriving! MUAHAHAHA! Ok the evil laugh is not neccessary, but I can't help it. Then again, I have to always remind myself that they will be under my charge, I can't just anyhow treat them like dirt. I am going to make this very clear, every action has a consequence. If I choose to be soft, I'm sure the consequence would mean disrespect from the platoon and eventually lose control of the platoon. I can't afford to be soft anymore. Got to be more vocal to the new people.

Now I have my own stand on the stand by area stuff. I hope that I can get through with this enlistment quickly and swiftly. Got to go, I bet they are arriving soon. Got to prepare loads of shit for them.