Confused to the Max...

I feel pretty much empty these past few weeks.

I would be putting all my white lie face, saying that everything's ok. Everything is going well, I don't mind making the sacrifice, these are my white lies for the past 3 weeks. I don't feel belonged at all, whether in cell group, in viper coy, at home, with my relatives, even in Church. Its like a whole new void altogether being formed in my soul, and the devil is laughing from the shadows as he see me struggle with my own personality, character, breaking down in front of him. I hated it that I have let the devil win this area over me.

I can't stand it that the fact whenever I pray, someone just steps into the room and I can't lock it. Its been like this since I have been in Tekong. I tried to get to my routine of praying. But I can't. I want to do my own things, I can't. Others can have their off days and all that, they all took up the space, leaving me, with nothing. I hate to inconvenience others, but by doing so, I have just inconvenienced myself. Such is what bullying is all about. I can't make the stand to say that I want to have my off day. When I feel that I am doing something which is selfish, I just won't do it. I can tell if I'm being selfish, which I believe its definately a character refined from God. But even so, I feel that this part of me is taking away all my privilages, my offs and my rest time. I wish I knew what was right and wrong in the place that I am in.

There is freedom in commandership, but that is precisely why I can't see the right way. Talk about standardization, talk about being good commanders, talk about doing the right things yet people still do the wrong things. SO WHAT THE HELL AM I SUPPOSE TO FOLLOW!!!

Army Journey VIPER Coy: Whole lot Knock it Down...

As I stepped into Viper Coy in BMT, my first thought was, I should be able to live in this coy. The first reaction the moment I enter was a shout of welcome and people all start jumping and hooting.

Little did I know what it means to be the 'new' guy. The shit starts hitting me as I progress through my first ever PTP batch. There isn't really much to say about life at Viper as the OC is rather demanding. But if he doesn't demand the standard, then we might as well live life carefree and whatever we want to do. That is so, so wrong. So far being in Viper has been a positive experience. I've been doing my job well, mostly to the best of my abilities.

As I am new to the whole instructional tour, I still feel the uneasiness of not fitting in totally to the coy. I guess as time passes, I will be able to express my own thoughts soon to whatever planned activities there are in future.

Personally, I love my platoon 3. Especially finally when 2 of our High Key events were fianlly done. I pray that platoon 3 will continue to perform and stick with the attendence.

I just realized I only knock the platoon down only when certain safety or standards are compromised. But comparing to other commanders, I don't really do excess punishments, because I know that if I can't even do the punishment, why even implement it on the recruit. But hey this are just commanders woes. I hope to strive to be my own commander. Nope, I'm not going to aim for best commander, but to be a respectable commander who not only get things done, but keeps the platoon motivated and together. I can never be like my fellow sec com, Mahatir, but he is a very good sec com. If I were to learn one or two things from him it would be the way he instills motivation to the platoon.

So far, the army journey is gradually getting from high on the graph to low... as the days start counting down once I hit next year.

Maturity, a Factor of Men's Character

Maturity is something men usually lack, or fail to showcase at the appropriate times. Most of the time we just goof off and want to slack more than anything else. Anything that is fun or is pleasurable, the men are thus motivated to perform with utmost execution.

So what exactly is maturity? I was told that your Maturity is determined by the capacity of handling your responsibility. I agree totally to this sentence and from maturity we can definitely handle more task, execute the plan without hesitation, and even perform well despite the fact that you hated the task.

Of course, the rewards don't really come that easily. Not everything you do is worth a reward, but yet its necessary. In fact, if you ask me the reward for handling your responsibility is the making of character and safety in your own life as well as others. That to me is the best reward.

I have this friend, who always wants to escape from his responsibilities. He will tell me of how to get away from this problem, or that duty and won't even try to think of a solution. Even if he did think of one, he practically tried to push the blame to others. Would you deemed this maturity? Would you even deemed him trustworthy enough to perform the task in future. I think not.

I can't say that he's not the only one. Everybody is looking for a way out, a short cut to earning money, saving time and wanting to relax. Nobody will take the stressful path, or the narrow way as the bible puts it. After all, it inconveniences you, makes you vulnerable. But ultimately as you take that path, as Christians we all agree, that the destination is secured. Although you are pressed on all sides on your Journey, always remember that this narrow road you have been taking, will eventually lead you to your destiny and to the plans that God has planned for you.

But I don't want to follow the will of God! I would say sometimes, I just want my desires to be fulfilled, I don't want that narrow path, why take the narrow one when there is a wider path with better security and less risk? Just slack la! This could be the conversation of your thoughts within our brains. But that is how I can distinguish 'mature' Christians to shallow and thoughtless Christians. They are still Christians, but they can't be bothered to even rise up. Especially the men.

I have a burden for the men out there. All the Christians in army that seem to think they have fallen behind in their relationship with God through the army experience. I want to show an example, that I have made it through with not by my strength but by the Spirit of God, which He has done for me so far and I believe he will continue to shine in my life. I pray that I can influence my fellow recruits to be stronger, to be enduring, to stay in discipline, to witness that they are men and not a boy anymore. We can play, but when we are serious, we will perform.

Reflection statement

I guess its just normal for a blog post to sound so much like a diary. Updating your post means you are still alive somehow on this world and the messages placed in a blog are usually useless things about the person's life and his or her encounters. Like what time they eat, sleep, go to the bathroom, what was their day, what happened etc.

To me, blogging is somehow a reflection. Not so much of diary, but to let my self understand my own thoughts brought down to words.

Being a commander is totally different then a leader. A leader is something that ANYONE can be. A Commander however, holds the Authority. Something which I've noticed over the past 2 weeks as a sergeant. Honestly, army is a bore to most of us Singaporeans. Why? Being 'forced' to serve this 2 years of our life in the army. However, not everybody regretted the experience.

9 months of army has made my thinking different. Commander authority is not just the rank, its you. You earned the authority, you have to show the authority. Somehow, I realized my weakness in this. I can't really shout my feelings, I can write it down, I can think it, but I can't express through speaking, which could be my downfall. Also, I am a 'nice' sergeant to my rec. I have been nice already. Compared to my other fellow colleagues, I just can't be the nasty guy.

But somehow, certain things allow me to shout, like not taking care of equipment, not taking care of the little things in their bunks. To clean up the areas needed for cleaning. I've already told my section about that. I hope to be able to start giving them more motivation as they began their 3rd week in army.

Army Journey - Back to BMT: Spec-ulation...

So what is moral standards? What is integrity? By playing by the rules? Sticking to the plan? Sticking to the standards? Or just throw that all away and be wild and free? Not caring for what is to come or what your actions will lead to some consequence which may affect others?

I've struggled with this. Peer pressure is always the problem to my decisions. On this day, 09/09/09, is where I want to make a stand. Sergeant is just a rank, but with it comes Great Responsibility as well. This does not give you excuses that you will wake up late, do not account for strength, not meeting the timing, not to march even when you are on course. I really hate that! Its like specs are given more freedom then officers? For Pete's sake, spare me all their non-sense. Somehow, not many of the commanders with me here are not even SERIOUS about this. Gentlemen, recruits will be under your care. You want to 'show' me that you are screwed up, fine. But do not screw yourselves up in front of the Recruits. If not how you lead by example? Wayang? Maybe. But its better than not giving a good impression from the recruits. Maybe you can talk to them because you are not so regimental, but they most likely won't trust you.

I must say that sometimes we have to be flexible, but not to the extent you lower the standards. In fact, the only reason why I am flexible, is because I TRUST that whether you are recruit or spec, you can get it done, you can do your duties properly, then we can talk about letting you sleep more and you are able to wake up and go down in 5 minutes for accounting of strength.

For me... Its time I practiced discipline in my exercise. Will be confined this week due to PTP batch. Hope to return to Singapore soon.

Army Journey - Back to BMTC : New Reformation, New Jobs for BMT Sergeants...

Chapter 1 of this new phase is the transition from Trainee to finally a Commander.

My fellow commanders-in-training all are still naive about one thing. That the BMTC Sergeants are KING over there. Perhaps the old way was like that. Now after hearing things from the BMTC HQ higher ups and the new things being implemented, I can safely say "WOW".

Next time, we 3SGs are no longer Kings, we will be with our men literally, just like unit people. Only difference? We act as instructors too, but the other side, the section commander side of us, cannot just throw it away. New challenges arises from my batch as BMTC is undergoing major restructuring. Many problems are going to occur and I can only pray that it won't be too complicated for all of us to accomplish.

I understand that we all have to do our duties, I am worried for the fact that the amount of duties I have done are so minimal. In fact, I have only done COS duty only ONCE in my current Army life. And from BMT all the way till now, I have not done a single, Guard Duty.

Count myself lucky? Well at that time I felt that way. Now I am back to the sunny island of Tekong I feel that I lack the experience on what Guard commanders do.

But I guess the main worry is the part that we will be leading our men out there in the field. And I thought I could throw away most of my knowledge back to SISPEC. But No, we can't. If we do so we will be digging our own burial ground instead of a shellscrape.

Truly, these are exciting times, even the BMTC HQ Commander, mentioned the thing on Servanthood Leadership. Now this term is actually Biblical. That caught my attention. Perhaps I'm moving along in God's Plan and Now is the time to really shine for God. Influencing and Inspiring the recruits to become better MAN and to be strong.

Updates for August!

Its been a long 3 weeks. Where was I? I was in Taiwan for training. Although I can't really say much details but I just want to say that it was a time of trials and tribulations. A time of great testing of mental as well as an experience I can say is once in a lifetime.

It was all by the grace of God. I really couldn't survive without Him. I confide in Him when I have the chance, even if I had not done so due to the army's regimental ways, God still keeps me in good health, in shape as well as able to go through all the exercises. I participated in everything.

Even before exercise Warrior, which happened to be the finale field camp, I was struck by fear. Fear that I can't carry on due to the summer heat and we had to chiong sua in that heat. I know myself, that I tend to blame others or argue back the things that I do. In other words, I always did not admit my mistakes. I feel that the lowest pits even before Warrior even started.

Looking back, I find it very foolish of me to worry even before it started. I suppose this is one of the things that God wants me to face up to. Although I cried for fear. I realised my tears were shed in vain, because I serve a God who is BIGGER than the exercise. I can finally look at a new perspective and come out stronger then ever before.

I have only SOC to clear. Once this is completed is POP LOH!!!

Other than the updates, I would like to thank my family and friends who encouraged me during my difficult period of thinking depressing thoughts before a major exercise. I should have looked on with a positive attitude all the time.

21st Birthday Blues...

Finally I turn 21!

Many things happened on my Birthday. Though most are not pleasent... First things first, I still failed my SOC. Its been pretty tiring to keep hearing from others that I still failed this stupid and pointless test.

Then right after that, all the LSC's got a meeting from our Staff, to address on the issue of not eating breakfast in the morning for some of the people in the bunks. He even summoned to two offenders to the office room. One of them happened to be in my Section. I have wasted my breathe trying to talk through him. Up till now I still can't believe why is he still inside ASLC.. Or even to be training to become a sergent at all.

Other then that, the only good thing or at least to me, was the briefing on our upcoming Exercise in Taiwan. I can't really mention much, but the R&R is what I have been looking forward to. From the briefing I understand that the training schedule is pretty hectic. In fact, I predict that we won't have much admin rest time at all. All I know is, many measures were taken to ensure our body is to be taken care of, also that we have to shit properly at the right places. All the disciplines have to be followed or face the consequences. I can't wait for the end of the exercise!

Then today, after all the inspection was done, we can finally book out to go home. After slacking at home for awhile, I went out with my family for a little supper. When we reached home, guess what. The house was all covered in smoke. My mom immediately realized that she forgotten to turn of the stove. Wow. If we were home any later, I do not know how disastrous it would have become.

Anyway, this is my birthday. Not very grand, not much presents, not much company as well. Abit disappointed that my own parents forgotten that today was my actual birthday. I actually noticed that my birthday's are like that these few years. Either I am turning invisible, or my birthdays don't matter much anymore. Nevertheless, though all these things happen, I will praise God for bringing me to where I've been for the pass 21 years.

Too many ups and downs before I reached to where I am right now. I know I still needed to mold myself even more, I am not confident enough to lead anyone yet. Even today as I tried to take charge no one listens. I shout, I get cold feedback but at least they start to move faster. Sometimes I want to break the cycle, but its just too hard when people are just not cooperative to the purpose or this course.

Well, so much for my 21st Birthday...

Lady GaGa - Poker Face (Acoustic - Live)

You thought Lady Gaga's Song is all about computerized techno? Well check her out! Pokerface acoustic! I will always love acoustic versions!

21st Birthday Celebration!

A New Era is Born...

Indeed it has. I agreed totally to the slogan on the card I received from my cell group friends. Thanks for the shirt guys it was nice. Somehow, during this whole birthday thing, I wanted it to be different.

Most 21st Birthday are about 'Keys' to Freedom. But my cake is a guitar, which raised many questions among my family and relatives. But what is wrong with a guitar? I love that instrument. Besides, every 21st Birthday, their cakes are either keys or just plain square cakes. I like to be different than others, I don't care what people say anymore. Because the more I do so, I will start to 'please' them. So often its actually quite harmful. I got to learn when to not heed the words they say and learn to know when can I 'throw' them away.

Overall, it was a good celebration. Met my old friends and even got to see my former cell group members and hearing their laughter and the things they shared with one another... It brings back memories. I actually took a trip down memory lane today, as I see my friends, relatives and even the events that I've went through. Personally, I feel nostalgic, a little sad, happy that I am 21, but still a little hard to believe, that I am 21. I am a matured adult? Maybe, in terms of certain responsibilities brought to light. But I feel that I still have a long way to go. There are more things needed to be done, more stuff to complete and meet the dateline.

It was quite a fun time though, a pity for some of my friends who could not make it in the end. But no matter, I 'm a simple guy, I did not really do a large scale party but its all worth it. Presents lesser so what. The most important thing to me is to be able to spend quality time together. Anyway I hope to enforce that 21 years I am still alive, kicking and ready to take on the coming challenge.

Talking cock...

Booking in soon...

I wanted to blog about my feelings for the coming field camp. But its no use, all I feel is, I don't want to go, I don't want to go... Even the platoon live firing is even draining my spirit away. It's like the most depressing book-in's, like that time in BMT when we have our Chinese New Year before our field camp. That feeling is back again. The reluctance to enter back to camp.

I believe that's being human. That's my flesh. I can't help but feel reluctant and no 'fire' within me at all. I kept thinking about what might come, which began to hinder what I am about to do now. I've wondered how am I going to survive without bathing for 4 days, even 7 days of no bathing. I can only pray that I will lift up all these events to God. I shall put my trust in the lord.

Being religious? Maybe, sometimes its ok to be a little religious. I need God more than ever before. But I wish for it to be not one-sided. If God brought me to Infantry to make me feel more uncomfortable and to become stronger in my mind, then so be it. I will do my best for this trial...

Updates and Rantings....

This week is a rather slack week, after all we are in camp. Its better to be in camp then the outfield, infantry really sucks.

I have a problem if I can't pass the SOC course. If I can't, I won't be able to get my 3SG rank. Sometimes I just accepted that I won't pass out as a 3SG and hope to actually go to another vocation where I can finally learn something new. I've met my old friend from BMT today at the SOC ground. He was our medic at the end point and I was quite surprise to see him.

I talked to him and he is serving as a medic man. He told me that if I were to OOC because I cannot clear the SOC, I will post to most probably, Combat Medic. Its 8am-5pm job. I could use that sort of job. Other than that, I wish still to be able to pass in future.

ARGH! I'm just ranting.

Christian NSF's... They need the Church Support...

I can't help but keep thinking...

What if, the church can do a program that prepares Christian men in Singapore, to be aware and ready for their coming national service, not to prevent them from entering or to 'chao keng' but to become effective people in future as they start serving their NS.

Not only that, but once they are in NS, they will be always cared for and remembered by their fellow church friends. After all, once they enter, they can't really guarantee a stable time table, their cell group timings would be screwed up, and they will eventually stop growing in the lord. I've been through this, and I wondered why am I drying up so fast. Sometimes I always say that if it weren't for attending church, I would have given up to be a commander. Somehow, I can find my strength if I continue to attend church, I will just feel empowered. But the feeling does not last for long.

I have this burden for the Christian enlistees, that they are not prepared for whats about to come and experience in army. There will be many temptations, the life style will be totally different. The way they do things in army is sometimes nonsensical but memorable, and sometimes the people will around you will start to drain your spirit away. As you began to see the male entity of the world, you will began to realize the predicament of your spirit being drained away by individuals with their own way of doing things. Not realizing that it will 'sabo' which is sabotage, your platoon mates.

I began to think why does men, grow weaker spiritually in army. The answer lies in the people in army and that it was hard to even form a prayer meeting without being interrupted. As a leader to be, I feel that action is needed for the church to not neglect this group of people as they not only serve the country, but they serve also the one true God by going to army. Toughening physical as well as mental stress.

I feel that the church should organize something for the NSF who attends church. I'm still brain-storming ideas on how to do so, but so far nothing I could think up. Damn I start to talk cock already...

A Coming-of-age Dilema....

Being a person who thinks. Thats what I strive to be. To be able to think of solutions, to think of ways to bond the team, to find the best way possible to do a task. That's what I have been trying to do. Furthermore, physically I have nearly hit the pinnacle of my injuries.

My left feet is aching, back is also aching, having a sore throat too. I wonder how am I able to move on in my course? There are still more to come. I believe its the work of supernatural, after all, I have not been really praying like before. I haven't even touch my bible this few weeks. Sometimes I just don't feel like doing those things. But yet, I feel that I haven't lost God's touch on my life. Maybe because I still go to church, but something's missing in my life.

Whenever, I travel by MRT or even by taxi, as I look at the people in the cabin or on the road side, I see couples, groups of friends, hanging out doing the things they want to do together. I feel so disheartened, why don't I have friends like that anymore. Especially since I'm in army, and how army friends also have their own life to live. None would really want to spend time together outside. After all one of them has a girl-friend.

Speaking about girl-friends, I finally understood what Pastor Kong meant by 'an urge for a merge'. Its like an in-built system in men. We have auto targeting eyes to seek out 'potential' targets every now and then. Its like inevitable! We would automatically stare at a 'prominant' object in the middle of the mrt cabin and then we would like: 'Man, I wish she was my girl-friend, so beautiful in that dress, that skirt, that b- Whoa whoa whoa... SNAP OUT OF IT.' That's when I know its beginning to hit me. Its like every girl that walks past, mostly with just above average looks is like the one for me! Man, its a very deadly trap. I feel kinda ashamed that I am sharing a guy's dilema here, but this is the only place I can get it out.

Furthermore, I know City Harvest has also alot, and I mean, ALOT of beautiful girls! Sure, I went for worship, I wanted to learn God's Word, but more that anything, I want to experience God, not experience some ladies, who dressed 'pretty' well and even sometimes dressed to show off assets, as well as the curves. What's there not to stare at? Especially like what, a 21 year old young man like me?

I know this is normal for a guy. I am a guy for pete's sake. I adore women but the drive to really want to stay with the one I love is getting on me. I finally understood abit of what my buddy David is feeling. He just wants to be pure, to be faithful to the one he deems the love of his life. Yet sometimes, our 'desires' will just go overboard. Its not like I can use psychic powers and hypnotise a girl to love you? Or even make her be the one, no wait, if you got such power you would control all those women you like just for the sex. Reality check for me...

When oh when will I find the one for me. Who is able to satisfy my own needs, and also I want to do things together, to have fun, shopping and even hugging and kissing... I guess, I only came to realise that more and more, as I began to enter the pinnacle of adult-hood...

Miley Cyrus and Billy Ray Cyrus - Butterfly Fly Away - AOL Music Sessions - HQ

One of my favourite songs so far. I heard this when I watched Hannah Montanna the Movie. It was beautiful the lyrics. The melody was beautiful as well. Enjoy how a caterpiller become a butterfly, fly away...

Only Human....

If any of you that have been visiting my blog at all, my personality results at the sides have changed. I'm more introverted, and I became a generous artist. Probably, because army life is an alien to me, so I've been quite closed up about myself. I think more too, probably too much. I hope to revive my orange side quickly. Cause that's mostly like me, reckless, tend to jump in instead of walk in. But I just can't be myself in army. Why? My friends would ask me.

I just felt provoked that my freedom was compromised. I stepped in with the mentality that I want to build up my discipline level. Also, I wanted to be physically involved. Yet sometimes, I rely too much on my discipline, I kinda found out that I keep to myself. I felt that no one wants to really know me and my life. After all, whenever there was a chance to intro myself, whatever I say seems to fall on deaf ears, there wasn't much response from the crowd. In other words... I don't feel acceptance.

Especially since I've changed cell, I actually, honestly speaking, don't really feel accepted at all. I felt like an alien in my cell sometimes. I rarely interact with them due to my own screwed up schedule, after all, its army. The places where they want to out reach was simply too far away from home. Then I realised, I am actually pleasing people every where, so that I can get acceptance.

I also realised, that this is not the way to gain acceptance. You keep giving and giving to that altar, but its not enough. Today's sermon. I have to stop, and realise I have already gain acceptance in the eyes of God. Yet I can't help but think, if God accepted me, then why is it, up till now, I cannot find acceptance yet? Its all about attitude again.

I need to buck up. But yet I just can't help but feel that way sometimes. I am after all, only human. Sure you may have a strong mind, but unlike my officer friend, I am not that strong. Although I can endure, but that does not neccessarily make me a strong minded fella.

Army Journey SISPEC ASLC : The Real Course Starts... Now..

Its been quite slack so far in Juliet. Slack in terms of waiting time, and live firings for these whole month. Also, we have completed our first Field Camp. Its been great training as well as a little demoralizing to end the 1 month in ASLC with a field camp. After all, anything outfield always ask for more walking, more defending, more crap to face eventually.

The OOC feeling is still in me, but after hearing stories of Taiwan, I just feel so alive! But I still have the OOC feeling every time I'm in training. I guess in truth, mentally I can only handle so far, and also, nobody was very cooperative at that time. Too many individuals with individualistic thinking and less team cohesiveness, that was the lack in this batch, and all the previous batches I've ben through. Probably, this would carry on and I could not control the situation.

But I can control myself, and my thoughts on the outcome.

Anyway, I have been having less sleep, its like I can't stop thoughts running through my head, information and nonsense have been activating when I wanted to sleep. Also, I have not had a good appetite as well recently. I need to understand why do I do the same things again and again and again, simply boring to the core.

I was informed during the field camp, that the course for ASLC really starts now, this is where we have to prepare for our next outfield which I heard it was going to be pretty nasty in terms of physical. I need to mentally prepare.

My staff sergent told me that for the Overseas training, I won't have to worry much on the training and my thinking, because basically, once we get there, we will all have the mentallity to graduate and we will do whatever it takes. Theres also the R&R to consider too. And since, I'll be heading overseas 2 days after my birthday, I'm going to take that as a birthday present. =)

Till then.

The Christian Life vs Army Life

I've realized something. Probably many men have came with this conclusion but, actually, there are many similarities to the Christian life towards the army life. Both are practically the same.

When I first enlisted I began to start talking more to God, to pray. Then hard times in the form of physical activity. After which, the 'Fighting Spirit' will kick in and somehow you overcome the obstacle. Its like Faith, you put your faith in your own abilities and sure you may fail your SOC, your IPPT, but one day you will conquer that obstacle, with the most shocking results ever. That was for my running in IPPT and the current CSB 10km run in 1 hour.

In army is about regimentation discipline, you always need to follow a set of rules and laws must be accounted for. In the christian faith, we believed in the 10 commandments and follow Jesus through his first Birth, to his burial and then his RESURRECTION. Not forgetting about the ASCENSION into Heaven. These phases are exactly what I've been through before almost all the time.

Its up to you to brave the burial phase of your circumstance. I was actually pretty disappointed, sad and fearful when I was announced to be part of ASLC. I actually cried on that day. It was one of my most emotional and mentally toughest times I've been through. I wallow in self-pity and was on the verge of even thinking of OOC.

But if I did so, I know I may not have a chance to become a 3SG ever again. And I'll be breaking the flow of my army life. I wanted to quit to give up, it was pretty tempting and i've dwelled with my old bad habits again during my time in the one week block leave. I could never understand, why in the world did I cry. But it took that period of time to help me recover a little of my problems, and slowly but surely, as I still go to church, still go for cell group, I was on my way to recovery.

It was thanks to the emerge conference, the upcoming Song of Solomon Bible Study, that really energized and enlarge my love for God once again.

In fact, past few days, one guy from my section even say: " Hey, Clement, you know ah, I think you are made for Guards sia."

Me: "What? Why would I want Guards? Its too shiong for me."

Buddy: "Its your Attitude, its like a Guards-man, I really think you will enter Guards next time."

Sometimes I do not know if that is a compliment of anything, but, I know one thing, if I have the attitude of a Guards, that means, I have already acheived what I was searching for, a new hope in my walk during this ASLC. To become stronger and stand out among the crowd so as to inspire and change people, I have to become much stronger. Whether in terms of skill, or techniques, I will muster all I have and train my physical. I will not wellow in self-pity anymore. I will overcome anything that stands in my way. Do things with great pride and no more mediocre work. Its time to rise above the ashes and show the people around you the light that shines.

Christian life is Progressive right? Well, I always link this to army's progressive training. In army, everything is progressive, whether it be running 10 click or even SOC training, its all about conditioning in a progressive manner. To run the 10 click, you will first run 5 click, then 6, then 7, 8 and finally 10. I succeeded in the 10 click trial test and my next test is coming soon.

Similarly, its not like one day you can suddenly pray 1 hour, you will burnt out. So I am learning back to basics myself. I've decided to really just talk to God. Just talking to him from my heart, communicating and talking about certain things that God showed me through this experience.

We solve problems in the World. Well, in army we have a fair share of problems. Will you be disciplined by your own mistakes? Yes you will, the key is to not let this discipline bring you down, but to stand up again after you have understand why you are chastened.

It's not about cutting corners that will get what you want. Actually, most of the people in my batch like to do that, especially two or three of my section mates. Somehow they will always get away with it, but I know that if they were to ever be found out, their punishment will also get double. I tried to tell them to do the right way, but its really up to them to listen. I can't control their lives after all.

Personally I've found too many similarities of the army life towards christian life. After all, we are part of God's army. So if you wanna be effective, just do it. If you can do the thing that was layed before you, just volunteer. If you think that you need "training" in the field of bible study, prayer, fasting. Do the progressive training and start building up. As you begin to do so, you will see an increase in confidence level. What does this confidence level do? It aids you in able to overcome obstacles in front of you. Route marches in christian life is just like going through your toughest time. Probably like SOT, like you business, your school semester, all these problems you face.

"But we must have the end in mind" my OC told us once. That's when I told myself, "Hey, that's Faith!" The substance of things hope, the evidence of things not seen. Even our OC believes in Faith, how cool is that, and he's a muslim religion. I've come to known God is a person who likes to speak to different people to give me comfort, hope, discipline, and i'm still waiting for love to come. And I believe, through SOS bible study, I will be able to find that love, that I lost during army, I lost it due to my own carelessness. I want it back again...

I miss the Times...

Army is draining my spirit away... I have to admit. I finally understand why some people backslided from church because of what army brings. The physical, mental stress that keeps us on the move is just too much for some to handle. I have my fair share of feelings of giving up, to just become one of the people who hates army life, hates serving the country as we are forced to do so for two years. After all, I'm human right? I do have pains, I do complain, and I want to make army a better place for some of my men. But not by testing the system. Although many have done so, you have to be WISE to do so. Basically, every system is flawed, is how you get around to it and be flexible to act according to the situation.

Anyhow, this is not the main thing that I want to say. The thing is, I really really, miss the times I had together in terms of secondary school, poly life no matter how crazy it was for me, and the times my cell group used to do. The times when I served as guitarist to my cell, to usher in the presense of God, to have the Holy Spirit in my life. I remember the times I used to complain about minor things as a civilian, and looking back, I thought how petty I was... Reading on other people's blogs about procrastination and what not really made me think that, its really about personnal discipline and how you work it out. I guess army has its good points. It brings you to another world, so you can also observe the civilian world.

When you can overcome the things army has given you, I believe that even any problem in the civilian world, you can believe that you will solve it. After all, its civilian life. But spiritually, dryness will enter in the army. Because of the schedule, the programme that keeps me tired and unable to even look at God or even spend time with Him. Army poses a threat to keeping Holiness in my character and even to become the light that will influence others. I am training to be a section commander.

I went for the Song of Solomon bible study last night, and the phrase that impacted me the most is this:
" problems are caused by bad leaders with bad leadership, but the solution to this is Good Leadership with good leaders." or something like that.

Meaning, leadership you are called, and as christians we cannot be the PROBLEM because we are leading, but we must lead because Good leadership leads to solving problems. And I had a burden as to why am I giving a try in leader school, whether you are in SISPEC or OCS, it doesn't really matter. What matters is, you are chosen to lead men, so why not make the best out of it, go through it but with discretion on your body limits.

I really do not want to think about OOC, but I just cannot stop thinking of whether if I did, I can go to other vocations. "We have toiled all day and caught nothing, nevertheless, at your word, I will let down the nets" I was suddenly reminded as I type out this post. I believe God is telling me to not give up, because when Peter caught the harvest, he got a fish load and in the end his boat is overflowing.

I thank you, Father. For being there for me, even though I neglected you many times in army, I have always wondered where you were, but actually you were right beside me, giving me the utmost care and concern through the leaders over me. You encourage me through men that I've hated, you've brought me out of darkness through means that I didn't know you could. You pushed my body by your supernatural strength, when I thought I wanted to fail you were behind me, letting my body move when my mind wanted to give up, to give me people to aid me in my long march. You are like the river and I was the pebble that got stuck in the stream, but your currents are strong, even though I am heavy with worries and thoughts to give up, and they carry it through the waters of the river of life. Thank you God, for being the savior you was, and will always be. Thank you, Jesus, for interceding for me, to pray for my undying ability to carry on despite how drained I am. I thank you that all these is definately by your strength. Amen.

Final Fantasy VII: Advent Children Complete - Jump Fiesta 2009 Trailer

This is the Trailer hope you enjoy it!