Confused to the Max...

I feel pretty much empty these past few weeks.

I would be putting all my white lie face, saying that everything's ok. Everything is going well, I don't mind making the sacrifice, these are my white lies for the past 3 weeks. I don't feel belonged at all, whether in cell group, in viper coy, at home, with my relatives, even in Church. Its like a whole new void altogether being formed in my soul, and the devil is laughing from the shadows as he see me struggle with my own personality, character, breaking down in front of him. I hated it that I have let the devil win this area over me.

I can't stand it that the fact whenever I pray, someone just steps into the room and I can't lock it. Its been like this since I have been in Tekong. I tried to get to my routine of praying. But I can't. I want to do my own things, I can't. Others can have their off days and all that, they all took up the space, leaving me, with nothing. I hate to inconvenience others, but by doing so, I have just inconvenienced myself. Such is what bullying is all about. I can't make the stand to say that I want to have my off day. When I feel that I am doing something which is selfish, I just won't do it. I can tell if I'm being selfish, which I believe its definately a character refined from God. But even so, I feel that this part of me is taking away all my privilages, my offs and my rest time. I wish I knew what was right and wrong in the place that I am in.

There is freedom in commandership, but that is precisely why I can't see the right way. Talk about standardization, talk about being good commanders, talk about doing the right things yet people still do the wrong things. SO WHAT THE HELL AM I SUPPOSE TO FOLLOW!!!