Army is draining my spirit away... I have to admit. I finally understand why some people backslided from church because of what army brings. The physical, mental stress that keeps us on the move is just too much for some to handle. I have my fair share of feelings of giving up, to just become one of the people who hates army life, hates serving the country as we are forced to do so for two years. After all, I'm human right? I do have pains, I do complain, and I want to make army a better place for some of my men. But not by testing the system. Although many have done so, you have to be WISE to do so. Basically, every system is flawed, is how you get around to it and be flexible to act according to the situation.
Anyhow, this is not the main thing that I want to say. The thing is, I really really, miss the times I had together in terms of secondary school, poly life no matter how crazy it was for me, and the times my cell group used to do. The times when I served as guitarist to my cell, to usher in the presense of God, to have the Holy Spirit in my life. I remember the times I used to complain about minor things as a civilian, and looking back, I thought how petty I was... Reading on other people's blogs about procrastination and what not really made me think that, its really about personnal discipline and how you work it out. I guess army has its good points. It brings you to another world, so you can also observe the civilian world.
When you can overcome the things army has given you, I believe that even any problem in the civilian world, you can believe that you will solve it. After all, its civilian life. But spiritually, dryness will enter in the army. Because of the schedule, the programme that keeps me tired and unable to even look at God or even spend time with Him. Army poses a threat to keeping Holiness in my character and even to become the light that will influence others. I am training to be a section commander.
I went for the Song of Solomon bible study last night, and the phrase that impacted me the most is this:
" problems are caused by bad leaders with bad leadership, but the solution to this is Good Leadership with good leaders." or something like that.
Meaning, leadership you are called, and as christians we cannot be the PROBLEM because we are leading, but we must lead because Good leadership leads to solving problems. And I had a burden as to why am I giving a try in leader school, whether you are in SISPEC or OCS, it doesn't really matter. What matters is, you are chosen to lead men, so why not make the best out of it, go through it but with discretion on your body limits.
I really do not want to think about OOC, but I just cannot stop thinking of whether if I did, I can go to other vocations. "We have toiled all day and caught nothing, nevertheless, at your word, I will let down the nets" I was suddenly reminded as I type out this post. I believe God is telling me to not give up, because when Peter caught the harvest, he got a fish load and in the end his boat is overflowing.
I thank you, Father. For being there for me, even though I neglected you many times in army, I have always wondered where you were, but actually you were right beside me, giving me the utmost care and concern through the leaders over me. You encourage me through men that I've hated, you've brought me out of darkness through means that I didn't know you could. You pushed my body by your supernatural strength, when I thought I wanted to fail you were behind me, letting my body move when my mind wanted to give up, to give me people to aid me in my long march. You are like the river and I was the pebble that got stuck in the stream, but your currents are strong, even though I am heavy with worries and thoughts to give up, and they carry it through the waters of the river of life. Thank you God, for being the savior you was, and will always be. Thank you, Jesus, for interceding for me, to pray for my undying ability to carry on despite how drained I am. I thank you that all these is definately by your strength. Amen.
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