Hopelessly... Merciful...

Personally, I do not understand why is it I think the way I think? Get it?

Rephrase, I do not understand how was it that I derive the conclusion to my own thoughts on certain situations. Example would be, I will always think that my section commanders are not listening to my orders due to the fact that I was once a 3SG and also when I was a new PS.

My appointment was in the end neglected and thought of as RUBBISH from my fellow peers as they go ahead with things that I know will not work out. Therefore I just stop talking altogether. Now that was my REACTION to my Thoughts.

I can't help but feel that for the past few months I was in VIPER. I don't really feel like a family. More like a forced Family Union that currently, some of my cousins and younger generations are showing. Even on Facebook. Nevertheless, I will still put on a good show. Do what I can for my platoon and irregardless of what other platoons say about my platoon. I know I have did my best.

Its just that sometimes, those few PSes that love to shoot my platoon. I understand that my platoon is the way it is. Then so be it. Why the hell you interfere? I finally understand why Ridzwan told me to FUCK OFF whenever I try to run his platoon. Its a nagging feeling in me that nearly exploded. But everytime I suppress it.

There were times I really wanted to just shout at my fellow sergeants to stay out of it. You want to talk to them? Can. But you want to talk down my platoon then be ready. That was my initial thoughts at first. Until I told myself that they are my commanders and I cannot "control" them like Recruits.

This applies the sameway to my fellow Sec Comds. So much for being a PS. No one really listens. Ask them to do things they will consider two to three things before they start doing. And they did it TO ME ONLY! Their OWN PS!!! FUCK YOU BASTARDS!

So far the new spec has proven humble and irritable due to the fact of his way of lying to us about certain issues. But nevertheless he's ok. I'm talking about those that entered my platoon since the previous batch of PTP. They think that just because they went through a PTP phase they know their stuff. They are seriously wrong. Instead, they find new ways to smoke out and from all people, ME! Their PS.

Then All you section commanders just FUCK OFF LA! What for I need you guys who will not listen to me? Although yes you did your JOB. But there are more things then your Job scope.

One of them said to me and I will always remember. "You think you got do this before? You don't know how tough it is!" That time that sec comd was doing a demonstration for Fire Movement. I only pointed out some mistakes to let him know. He took it the wrong way.

Maybe it was the way I phrase my words. I should have complimented him first. The next thing was to discretely tell him his mistakes.

Still, he told me off that day. And I was freaking piss. He did not know that I went through the same shit as him, just that it was more shiong. I did it with my fellow batch, and we did it, nicely. Double J, former OC Viper, took us one side and applaude us in our very UP demonstration.

He still is my Sec Comd, and is still getting on my nerves. I can't help but to always want to put him in a difficult situation as a retaliation for his mistake. In the end, my moral values got the better of me.

I'm sick and tired of being nice, of being merciful, but in the end... I can't. I just can't.

Failure and its Beautiful Nature...

Many of us who went through Failure, especially Singaporeans, have seen it as a form of Taboo. It strikes in every heart of the Asian community in Singapore, that is why our education is our number one priority, our goals for an ONWARD SINGAPORE and our busy lives, contributes to the Taboo of Failure.

Now lets say you failed. Your brain registers a thought that "You are a Failure." Then when the environment somewhat confirms your Perspective, in the end it takes form within your Sub-concious. Which ultimately defines the way you think in future. Its a little psycological, yet I have seen men in the army who are just like that. They didn't know it. Explaining it to them does not help it. The only way we can help this form of people is to guide them all the way till the end.

Its not easy, and simple. Patience is required and alot of understanding is needed. Less condemnation and more love to be given to this bunch of individual. But army being army. Results Orientated, less humane in its doctrines see this form of treatments relatively as "sissy" and "the person is too feminine" despite him being a guy. This are low stereotypical levels. The rest will think he "faked" the injury. But what can we say?

We are not psychics who can read people's mind like super heroes. We can only do what we do best as humans. Show concern and love, to cover-up but not to spoil. To unleash wrath on the wrong doings but to stay lovingly towards the human.

Perspective Thinking and its Conseqences...

I generally have to say that I thank God for Perspective Thinking. He has caused my eyes to really open wide to what is going on around me as well as to see things in different views so that I do not let my anger get the better of me like every batch.

Although I see things in a different light, but my perspective views cannot be accepted by the people around me. I can talk to them, but they immediately brush it off as talking cock. After having a Perspective, now all I really need is the art of Persuasion.

Persuasiveness I have always thought I am one of those few. But after coming to army, I realised I have a long long way to go. The people here are vicious, and will climb over your head. I am just a nice guy to my sergeants, but that does not mean you can sukale do everything the way you wanted it to be. Having said that, I have been avoiding arrows too but not all the important ones. I guess I just could not understand why they take leave at times which are a little inappropriate. Tanking sessions will be underway.

Today... IS MY BIRTHDAY! IN CAMP! Doing company duty Sergeant and even helping out with my platoon admin matters.

I can't believe how happy I was today. When I saw the 32 notifications from my friends, I can see that these are the people that I have influenced and have play a part in their lives to even remember my birthday. Its a good thing we have FACEBOOK. Because if you even forgot someone's birthday, it will still remind you and thus you are able to greet them on time.

I really thank my parents, especially my mom for being the first to message me, followed by friends and relatives on facebook. To my last batch of recruits I can tell who are the ones who wanna press into my life and I feel appreciated that I can talk to them.

Pre-Enlistment Viper Coy 03/10

I will be starting my own reflection here. I believe sharing it here I can give my Spiritual Reflection here more then the NS one. After all, its better to do personal reflection here, with the holy spirit as its content, rather then post it in the NS portal.

However, I will still put in some of my values on the LEARNET blog so that I can see if what I typed here is somehow similar and in line with my Christian Values to the SAF Core Values that I display to my fellow recruits-to-be.

Starting off, I did not really prepare myself much for this upcoming batch, again. I have to be on my toes and stay sharper then normal and to keep my healthy living up once again. I can't sleep at 11pm any longer unless I have to prowl then its another matter. I wish to lead by example because that was how I told myself to be. But when it comes to the physical side. I hope that I can stay in shape in terms of running and pull ups to hit 10.

The upcoming batch is enhanced, meaning that it consists of more IPPT Passes and I really really pray that my section won't have any problems except for fighting towards SILVER and GOLD which is a GOOD problem that I am willing to shoulder the burden.

I need to be more concise on my administrative duties and stay focus on what is to come for each lesson. In other words, I have to stay 'up' there.

I would like to end off this blog with prayers so that I can keep track of my own spirituality.

Father I thank you for today. For all the preparation work that is done, for the introducing of my new PC and CSM all on the same day. I hope that I can work with them, improve my own attitude and pride so that I can talk more with others. I thank you for the specs that I can talk to and pray that we can form a good working relationship and also to be an example to them. I thank you for my section commanders in platoon 1 that they are all very dedicated people in one way or the other. I pray especially for BENNY tthat he can grasp the culture of VIPER and not to slack too much but to perform his duties properly and help out whenever he can and not just sit around passively. I thank you Lord, for a 'up' CSM and OC, and that I understand that Leaders are placed by you so that we can learn things from the higher ups as well as to give us a showcase as to how I can learn qualities from them that prepares me for the Destiny that you have aimed to prepare me for. I pray that every 'opportunity' is significant and do task in a humble and meek tone. Teach me God to stay focus on important task and to be AWARE about my surroundings.

Lord, I ask for WISDOM to GO THROUGH THE TRAIL, which was taught last service from Pastor Tan. I would like to experience a Faith-titude that our Pastor has put forward, that we can experience your Wisdom to Advance and OVERCOME any trial by going through it. I thank you Lord, that you are a passionate and merciful savior. That one day if I should complaint, I hope Lord that you will forgive me, and help me see that you are a passionate and merciful savior, the same savior that saved us from Sin can save us from any trial. I thank you Lord in the name of Jesus.

Amen.

I just want to thank all those that have helped me in some way or another:

Enling - For being there for me whether through blogging or even buying for me tai yang ping for me =D

David - For being available all the time to book seats and talk to me about animation related topics. Love you bro.

Guang Jin - For being a brother that shares computer knowledge, gaming interest and to laugh at all my lame jokes. They mean alot to me.

Junjie - For accepting me back to N119, although it has changed alot, but I know that its a place where I need to re-establish my love for God once again.

Eddy - Thanks for all the game and movie updates! Stop watching Streaming shows... Poor quality la!

Miao Hua, Ester - For giving me a job that actually is a pre-cursor to what I am experiencing in army, just that its even worse here. And to be there during Strikeforce, encouraging me sometimes, talking to me with lame stuff and UNCOMPLETED stories. LOL! Blur sia you. Also to be a friend that talks literally about anything under the sun.

Michelle - My big sister and also lamness-in-crime. Thank you for being the cheerful person you are and talking about funny topics and even being "aunty" about shopping stuffs. Haha, they were always entertaining and it really brightens my day.

Bing Xun and Weiloong, Brothers of Thunder - The two of you always always put a smile on my face. Thanks for sharing the jamming sessions we had, guitar playing bros!

Cheryl Hiew - For being my spiritual mom and also to give me a chance to shine in the area of serving for the cell group in praise and worship. I learnt the most under your leadership and although I left the cell group on actually a wimp, you still allowed me to. And I am somehow grateful but also sad that I had to leave due to my own selfish desires.

Weiling - For being blur and talkative, I thank you for your lively nature that brings all kinds of laughter although most are directed at you. haha.

Shuncheng - For being a bro in my times of NS troubles. I can't imagine how I would feel without you present in cell group.

Huizhen - Thank you for being the big big sister. Although you have endured your own hardships. but you never fail to amaze me with your perserverance and how you pursue God. Its inspiring.

Sylvia and Jasmine - For joining together in our Asia Conference gathering! What fun times we had.

Jun Kang and the Glutton gang - Thank you for taking care of me during my time in your cell group. All the funny lame things we had was really memorable.

Josephine - Although you are not from CHC, but you are a key element in keeping my spirits up during army. Although we haven't met for a VERY VERY long time, but indeed you brighten my day at key points in my life.

These are the people I would like to thank in my circle of Christian Friends.

Stating the obvious...

I can't say right now my personality is somewhat introverted. And I realise I have been talking more about myself, my well being than for others. Where was the once loving Clement that thought about everyone around him? Can't be bothered I suppose. Due to the change in work environment? The People associated? I guess all these are just factors that support the personaility of a person.

Sometimes I hate this side of me. But yet I constantly kept on doing the things that I want to change. I know I am human, and I know that God is with me. But knowing is one thing. Experiencing? Now that takes courage and faith. I can't help but wonder how is it the christians in Army are strong enough to lose the temptation, because I realized that I am failing in this sector. Everytime I felt the holy spirit its only in the church atmosphere and sometimes in cell group. Then that's where I can't really declare myself a christian if I can't have God with me 24/7. To have God's Presence literally with me wherever I go, I could come out with solutions that I have never thought before, strength found in the most unlikely situations and will lead with a heart of servitude. But army teaches the exact opposite. Instead of resisting it, I've conformed to it.

That is a dangerous thing to occur for a christian, whether are they new or old. I pray, regardless of my situation currently, that my fellow christians in camp will be able to lead a godly life. I on the underhand have to start following my Father's footsteps. And to learn it the hard way...

Plans, Concerns for the future...

I've always questioned myself on the fact that I am stagnated. Probably, considering the circumstances I am in, I do feel the frustration that I can't really do much in army. I mean, my concerns are now on the Platoon and their needs as well as the Company establishment, after all I am a Platoon Sergeant.

That is why I admire people who can balance their lives to pray and seek God even in the midst of their business. Although people keep telling me to pray on the island, but I do not have any partners in particular to pray with. I feel very alienated and a little down for the fact that in my company I am the only Christian left. I can't help but feel that I am in a Daniel situation. Yet, I do not display much of his qualities. I realised my judgemental attitude has gotten stronger and more irritable then before. I wonder why I do that. Why do I feel irritated about certain attitudes that commanders express. I know that they are only human. But so am I. Your time is over, but that to me is an excuse for being Lazy... To me. I too am guilty for such stuff. I did say that my time is over too, but I knew I was just being lazy. I have to buck up on this area.

Recently I have been debating myself whether I should go to FZD School of Design or 3Dsense Media School. FZD focuses on design and concept whereas, 3Dsense is the package for a digital artist in the field of animation and special effects. I can't decide yet as there are too many factors to consider, one of them being my faith to draw. I know I am not an artist, but I love to be involved in concepts and designing. But ever since I stepped into army, there was just too many routine cycles that presses down on my creativity and now I haven't been thinking of much ideas. I have to start to stir myself up and to move on in life after army.

My alternative could be business or psychology. I don't understand why is it I do not have any drive at all to study like Kean Mun is but I know that if I do not do something now, I will suffer my own consequence for being complacent, lazy and just being unproductive. I hate for the fact that I have this lazy side of me and fear that pulls me back on my destiny for christ, whatever my destination is...

I tried praying about it, visualizing myself in the field of animation and movie making, but I do not sense Him much since I entered in this literally God-Forsaken place. Many people forsake their religion and even relationship with their God when they enter this place. I realized that my faith was not even as much as a mustart seed because of the routine atmosphere and security I was given. Somehow I knew that SOT may be one of the ways to get me back on my feet. And I remembered clearly, that God wanted me to go to SOT. Although I am somewhat fearful, but I've already planned it in my schedule itself. I hope to obey this calling to God. As for my weird dream of the future for my family, I hope that it will come to pass base on the choices we make on this Earth we live in.

Take all of me

Take all of me, I give you my all for more of you...

This phrase just appeared in my head as I start wondering what do I type for my upcoming post for this blog. One thing I realized over the past few weeks, that I have been relying on my own strength all this while when I am in Viper Coy. I can't exactly say that God was not part of everything, but I know that I did not lean on him. Either that, or I just lost the touch I had at Asia Conference again. Is this thing normal? Am I just not attune spiritually enough? How do I know if I am Spiritual enough to sense him?

I understand that through PRAYER is how we communicate with him. Probably that is my answer. But my circumstance is right now in the way of such "Luxury". I know that if that is the case, I need to make the sacrifice of my time. However, my job scope of being in the army, is both mentally and physically taxing. I can't really say its an EXCUSE not to pray, after all I do pray at night whenever I can. All I'm trying to say is, I don't think I sense him much whenever I'm in my camp. Its as if, I am alone although I believe that He is within me. Yet my lifestyle depicts a different approach to what I envision myself to be. I wanted to be like Christ, after all it is out goal as Christians, to use Jesus as an example of engaging the World but not compromising His love for God and for His People. I can't say that I have been like that and I do admit that I can be judgemental and have realized that I have been ever since I came into army.

I took a personality test and I had ENFP... Extroverted, Intuitive, Feeling, Perceiving. Now? INFJ. The only thing changed was the E and P changed to I and J. I have become Introverted, and Judging. Now I do not like my judgemental self as I can be a pain in the ass to some people and also detestable to others. Because I judge without thinking the time and place of event and I do not really care about Politics and shoot my mouth off. I realized that it was a big mistake and also stupid because I am demeening somebody this way... Therefore I still keep my Perceiving style because I realized that I was only 18% Judging, that means, my Perceiving is still there, the only thing was I had to Judge because of my current Job Scope as a PS.

What does all my rantings got to do with the First Line? All I'm trying to say is, I want back the time where I gave God my purpose and my life to support the cell group, to rise up again, to stand in the gap, to make friends properly, to be filled once again, to have the hunger and thirst for the word, back to bible study again, back to worship and praise, back to playing my guitar, back to the time in Emerge Conference where I gave my heart in exchange for more of him...

Take all of me, I give you my all for more of you
Move in your Power, Open the Heavens Lord Today
Take all of me, Make us your Light for all to see
Change this World we Live in
Let your Harvest in
Let Your Harvest in

Take all of me for more of you
All Consuming Fire
Take all of me for more of you
You're my Hearts Desire

Asia Conference + CGI Summary

I have just been revived by a mighty river of the holy spirit for the past 5 days of Asia Conference. Despite my tired self due to unforseen circumstances, I was able to listen to the messages of the famous speakers from the CGI board members. I am very inspired, refreshed and pumped as of Sunday night.

Once again, Dr. A.R. Bernard has exceeded my expectations. I thought he was going to bring the house down again with his very educational, insightful and inspirational messages. He didn't just bring the house down. The whole world was about to split just from his messages. They were mind-boggling and blowing at the same time, talking about the cultural mandate to a new level! The first session he gave was to give all of us a WORLD VIEW or what he liked to call, COSMOLOGY, of the relationship between the church and the world. After giving us the overview he came to reveal to us that our focus of the Biblical World View is to Restore all that is its original intent that God made it to be.

On the Second Session, he talked about the Christian World View and he gave us a boost on our role in this Cultural Mandate. We are suppose to bring restoration to the culture through God's World view. He uses the Prodigal son to explain of a christian walk during their time at cultural mandate. They tried to go along their own way until one day the world swallow him up and he was left to the pigs. That was when Pastor starts to get into his message. The prodigal son had a revelation of his Self-Concept. Before he conceptualize himself as a person who is good for nothing, dwelling in sin and thus his self-esteem was affected. However, in the pig sty, he found a new concept in himself. He had revelation on his self-concept as being the servant of his fathers house and he was willing to humble himself to go for it.

This potrayal is exactly how most of us went through. We maybe in our pig sty, right now, the circumstance is not to our favour, and we want to just give up, fall into depression and get trapped in our mind. That is exactly what the devil wants you to be in, a state of loss and low self-esteem.

But here is the good news. The prodigal son all of a sudden went into a state of new self-concept. He remembered that he was part of his father's house and although he knew he sinned, he still humbled himself and look forward to going to his father's hiouse and join his servants. The prodigal son had a new World View and where did he thought of this? Right where he was, in the pig sty!

Our self-concept is the image of God, where we are created to be in his likeness, his true nature. Whatever God hates, we hated as well. Whatever God likes we like it too. And whatever mindset God has, we can have it too. In the middle of circumstances unfavourable to you, you display a faith, a cosmology, a world view, a biblical world view, a new self-concept that you are the image of God. You can speak to your situation, face adversaries without fear but with faith. Stay humble and with a serving attitude, and to overcome obstacles in life, why? Because you are the image of God. That is the self-concept that we should have. And because we have this self-concept, it is time to narrow it down to your self-esteem. Because by knowing that you are made in the image of God, you find yourself boosting the self-esteem in you. Once you felt lousy, now its time to close in the gap of self-concept and self-esteem so that we can be a light despite the darkness, form relationships like never before, keep the faith and to have visions out of this world. To be living the cultural mandate where Christ is in our Culture.

Welcome to the light at the end of the Tunnel of Low Valley...

Its been a while since I've finally felt positive... I can't say army life is still comfortable, but I know that at least God is with me. And because of that, I can finally exit out of the dark tunnel and into the light. But I'm still inside the valley called army. Just have to keep walking.

I remember Pst Kong talking about the valley of dry bones. How I felt exactly like the dry bones. Dry in terms of spiritual, in terms of relationships, in terms of love for one another. I must have missed many opportunities from my 'depression' state I have been through. I feel that I could have done better in my situation, I should have ignored the circumstance and focus on what really matters and what needs to be done.

I've learned my lesson, although there may be a period where I will sink again, but I hope that by reading this message, I would know that I have went through my valley, but do not waste, the Talent God has given you.

My circumstance has not improved at all. Reluctantly I serve my country in this very company. What ever that I have gone through in SISPEC never prepared me for this. I can't say I'm happy neither am I sad, coz the sadness just turned to numbness. Depressing thoughts still come, but in the end, I knew that it was useless to talk about it or even bring it up so I shut it up inside. Just like my old times.

My every bad habit has returned to me. I want to be stronger, but in the end I just became the stupidity of the company commanders. I do not gain much respect from them, neither do I really stand out. After all, I'm a new Platoon Sergeant. Then why does FP get better attention? Because he was pretty strict? Because he is more sociable to them then I was? Must I be the ultimate slack to gain their attention?

Letting my emotions go have been helpful, but barely, as the problem of the matter can never be removed. If that is the case, then I cannot make that person be the problem or else it will be an eternal problem, which would hinder the path to great destiny.

Then again why would I care for destiny. I'm tired of all this fucking around. Of all this trash that was thrown at my feet. I can't click with them. At all. Bunch of maggots all of them. Which makes me one too in the sight of them.

Finding Gratitude, Getting Respect, Releasing Forgiveness...

Clement. This word in the dictionary mentions about being merciful. I can't help but repeat this portion about myself. Because it is totally true. I'm too merciful. I realised this since young. I've always helped people who are in need, feeling a little generous, but definately very gullible.

I realise within my time so far ever since in NS, that I am easily manipulated. I can't help but just agree to do work that others refused to do. In other words, I was always tasked to do things that are not in my jurisdiction, my job-scope, to carry out. Sometimes I feel like a peice of meat just being cut to pieces bit by bit and giving it away to other people to just eat me up. That is how I friggin hate myself for. Its like a gift and a curse, my name. To be merciful is suppose to be a positive effect, but to a certain degree being overly merciful causes me to have conflict with the other commanders. I can't work together with them at all.

I have a working style which I guess they hated me for it! How I know this? I guess I am naggy when it comes to reminding people of their task and what to do because they gave me trust issues as well as that they don't really carry my instructions out eventually. That's why I remind them, NICELY too.

But the response I get, especially from my "older" peers like Ridzwan made me think that my instructions are insignificant and totally bogus. Like I am useless arse and should not listen to me at all. I guess that he can tell that I don't really fit this position well as a PS. Once I used my own initiative to tell OC that if we are needed at the Lecture Theatre and eventually we don't have to be, he got pissed at me for not informing him and for 'over-stepping' his authority and to leave him there sitting with OC in a lecture theatre. Although he reminded us of the upcoming activities as well, I never once complained. So what is his bloody problem? What is my own Bloody problem? Why am I given a role as a PS in the first place? I question myself many times. I think so far all my post on this blog is questioning that phrase. I can really tell and I guess for my friends who read my blogs so far can agree that I really hate this job. I rather be a section commander, doing duties but at least I don't have to arrow people and I can concentrate on my section. I function in an environment where people praise me for my good work, who listens to my suggestions and at least considered my suggestions for awhile. I am not the kind of person that just throws away your suggestions before you can even give it. I will consider, I will even reason with you and talk to you about it before I start to derive a conclusion. I hate to issue orders, to give people work to do, to lead people unless they are motivated and know what are the objectives that need to be completed. I guess that is where I really need to work on, to motivate a bunch of unmotivated individuals to do your bidding BUT it is for their benefit and for good cause as well.

As I keep writing, the less frustrated I have become but yet the longing to just get the bloody hell out of here is still getting stronger and subsequently, I can feel the breaking point coming soon. I guess this is the greatest test so far in my whole NS life. It is the worse kind of life and also the life on a stupid island has also rendered me into stupidity soon enough.

Puh-leese... GROW UP!

My least favourite letters. R E C. Its the initials for a rank called Recruits. Bunch of Maggots all of them. Attend C for nearly the whole week this week. Surprisingly, manpower expects us to perform with these bunch of low-lifes. Despite their A level backgrounds, they are physically weak, which is understandable... BUT. They are FRIGGIN WEAK IN THEIR IMMUNE SYSTEM! As well as their MENTAL STATE! Totally, no Fighting Spirit. I can't help but think, did their parents even do anything to prep their sons for Army?

However I believe strongly, that physicality, mentality is just the small percentage that plays a part. But the one thing that really, really, determines if you are good, that you are somehow capable, is the ATTITUDE.

If you have an excellent attitude, anything is possible. If you can't solve the problem, there is always another form of solution, its just that you have not thought of it yet. If you have a positive attitude towards the adversity you faced, with every situation you will turn it around to your favour. But it all starts from YOU.

Your ATTITUDE determines your ALTITUDE.

The Horizon never Looked so Bleak...

I understand the power of change, but it has to change for the better, and not worse. OC likes to go down the chain of command in meetings. He likes to take our disagreements and flung it out the window. He seems as if conceiving our ideas will just bring more problems to his life. Its not like ideas will kill unless its something big.

Arrows are flying, officers and specialist have a wall. Well, at least for me. I can't really talk to my PC at all. We are just too different. Although, we have common interest in the guitar, but I just can't comprehend and understand why he does things this way.

Firstly, he didn't give me a vision of the platoon, I had to do it. I used my Male by Birth, Man by Choice motto to get the party going. But that is as far as my mission goes. To improve dramatically, there is a need to expand on our horizons and see the future from where we stand. Also to execute it and bring it to fruition. But what stops this growth is something that humans will always have. The FUN factor. If it is not utilized, it will be hell on Earth.

Secondly, he is a follower, like me. He follows everything OC gives him, which is a little wrong. After the time when he mentioned he wanted to let these group have unit form of training, I knew, immediately, where the flaw lies. He expects them to be soldiers already right after the two weeks confinement week. Then every idea he just take it in. Sure you can take it in which leads me to my third point.

He did not show much Respect to us specs. He wouldn't even talk to us about this. Sometimes its also because of our CSM. I tried to work with him. I really do. I can't understand how Encik Ong, is able to tahan 'Double J' and still work together with him. He is always arrowing me, his PS, and because there is a P in front, we are always mistaken to be the PA to the PC.

OC? Much to talk about. He is apparently being the worst nightmare for every person in Viper right now. I don't see how UP it is anymore, I don't see how we are relevant to the local boys... Although some of his attentions are good, but I felt that it was unreasonble.

I've felt that I have been disillusioned that everything will work out my way. I have been disappointed many times because I asked for things that people are not motivated to do.

I have a fellow spec, who told me that he does not have the motivation to even do his work anymore. Highly likely because he also knows that the army is a place where nothing really flourishes, routine and full of laws and regulations which is nonsensical to him.

Another spec of mine only cares about his ORD, sticks to his BUNK most of the time and will only communicate to the recruits in a soft and kind manner. Not saying that he can't be nice, but I'm wishing for him to be not too nice to them. But his attitude to army is to just do the bare minimal and to slack, get out of the radar and to enjoy his bunk experience during OFFICE HOURS.

Then again, out of the two specs under me, the first one at least listens to what I want and is willing to 'HELP OUT'. Whereas the other, is sometimes motivated to do and other times, if I don't tell him to do he won't do. And even if I do not tell him to do, he will do his own way and sometimes he overrides whatever instruction I gave to him.

This is probably what the problem lies. Within my specs and the management of the company. This is probably the only thing that pisses me off and got me disappointed many times. Because of such people I feel demoralised in doing the things that I need to do and I for one felt burnt out at the amount of admin work I have to do.

Then again, I have crazy expectations towards my own people, knowing Viper to be a very shiong company, I thought that the specs were up. But no. Once new management comes in, they took advantage of the situation and change their style altogether. Although Viper is still sort of shiong to the rest, to me, I felt that our substance is slowly waning and changing. Though I'm not sure if its for the better and all that but then again, we are only Specs.

I think I see a trend here. Apparently, whenever I try to put a little initiative, it causes other people to be bothered and angry. And reacting to that, I mellowed down and was in turn, screwed for speaking up. Maybe I really, really think too much. But that's what kept me going, thinking for the recruits welfare, trying to keep it in the flow. Wanting to not cause others extra trouble and work to do. And ultimately, I derived to the conclusion, WHAT THE FUCK IS RIGHT AND WRONG???

I totally agree that army is the worst place for creativity to flourish. In terms of leadership wise, there are many things we cannot do, many things to follow by and many things to commit by. The Heirachy system, overides everything I have ever came up, and despises all the actions I have done so far. So should I stop being nice? Should I stop thinking? Should I stop being a 'jerk' to others? SHOULD I LEAVE THE COMPANY?

I think I came to this conclusion many times especially with the new OC inside. My new PC likes to give me more trouble and work, but not more welfare and rest. I in turn have no choice but to give my section commanders the job. I hate delegating jobs. I really think that as a PS, I have failed. I can't think otherwise for people getting pissed at me, and I see loads of PSes and how I felt pissed about them because of their own actions. I think about how as a PS I can motivate my recruits but I can't do it. I don't have the substance, the height, the calibre... It seems I was choosen on a wimp. I couldn't survive in my environment any longer. I feel stifled, insecure and totally irrelevant. I finally understand, what it means to be a sandwich.

I hate Army Life.

Fresh Blood, Frest Start!

Today, the new recruits of Viper will be arriving! MUAHAHAHA! Ok the evil laugh is not neccessary, but I can't help it. Then again, I have to always remind myself that they will be under my charge, I can't just anyhow treat them like dirt. I am going to make this very clear, every action has a consequence. If I choose to be soft, I'm sure the consequence would mean disrespect from the platoon and eventually lose control of the platoon. I can't afford to be soft anymore. Got to be more vocal to the new people.

Now I have my own stand on the stand by area stuff. I hope that I can get through with this enlistment quickly and swiftly. Got to go, I bet they are arriving soon. Got to prepare loads of shit for them.

I'm Desperate?

Maybe I am. After all, I did made that vow to never have a relationship with other ladies. As in get into a 'steady' relationship with them.

Pathetic? Well, one of the reasons why I did it its because I want to focus on my studies. Then I realize after polytechnic it will be my National Service and I have heard of the 'tragic' stories of NSFs who had girlfriends. Like one time my buddy actually had Girlfriend problems because he is stuck on Tekong after all. I do not know what the issue is, but I can guess that he is not getting along well at all in terms of his relationships. Although I can answer why that is so, it has got nothing to do with NS I believe. Then again who am I to butt into their problems. Its best I stick my nose out of it.

However, recently, my eyes are roving EVERYWHERE! Even this CNY, when I went to visit the relatives house, my eyes just went for the various girls that turn up at the house. I found myself 'checking them out' and after a while I realize what I was doing, I bounced my eyes. But I just couldn't resist the urge to look again.

That pretty much is normal! Some guys may scream. That I totally agree, but I believe that as men, we have to control this side of us. I tend to understand why is it some men do commit the crime of rape and molestation. Because they can not control this urge for sex which is build in us after all by our God. But because of Lust we have to discipline alot in that area.

I felt that it was getting worse for me. The feelings just get stronger with every couple I see each day on the MRT. I guess I am desperate. But I am not a fool to rush into things. I really pray that I will find the one for me. Soon.

Ponder The Future... Embrace the Present...

This time around, I 've came to a conclusion. That I am just human. But that doesn't make it an excuse that I cannot have an excellent spirit. I can't emphasize more on this Excellent Spirit because I totally believed in it. If you don't have it, that's because you can't be bothered. I have been wallowing AGAIN in self pity. Its not the first time that I have done so. But every I time I went through such a time, I found my inner strength once again.

Criticisms will come. Failure will come. But what matters is how we handle it AFTER it happens. That is the meaning behind my title. Ponder the Future... Because if we don't how do we even perform at our best? If you do not consider the future of your platoon, your stores, or even your life, then how do you expect yourself to even BE that future. We must live by the 4th Dimension Thinking.

To Visualize, Speak, Belief and Actionise your goals. That will be the key to most of your success. Remember genius is 1% inspiration, 99% perspiration. You have a thought, that's good. But you live it out, that's even BETTER. So don't give up on your dreams and visions. Don't give up even when your world is tumbling down. I've been there, done that, but I have not learn from my mistake. I do not want anybody to get caught in my cycle.

I Embrace the Present, by being myself for who I am today. I can't help but be myself. Since I am more myself in my christian environment, I am trying to replicate my secret place in camp. I can't survive without my God. I need to Embrace him now, if I were to even survive in this island of isolation. Its a totally different world on its own. And I do not like the fact that I have to suffer emotionally, spiritually in this place. I can't afford to be like THEM. The Old Viper Specs and Officers. I have to be, ME.

Although I agree a lot on what OC is doing, but he can be a little inflexible. Just like me. So I can somehow identify and understand what he's going through. Today, after giving a lecture on our Viper Behavior, I can see that some of us still cannot 'Wake up' or 'Open their Eyes' to what is going on with them. That leaves me to be the mediator. I hope that my fellow specs will understand his intentions and also accept him as the OC and he will always be for the next 2 years.

God has been faithful, and its time I start being faithful to Him.