I've always questioned myself on the fact that I am stagnated. Probably, considering the circumstances I am in, I do feel the frustration that I can't really do much in army. I mean, my concerns are now on the Platoon and their needs as well as the Company establishment, after all I am a Platoon Sergeant.
That is why I admire people who can balance their lives to pray and seek God even in the midst of their business. Although people keep telling me to pray on the island, but I do not have any partners in particular to pray with. I feel very alienated and a little down for the fact that in my company I am the only Christian left. I can't help but feel that I am in a Daniel situation. Yet, I do not display much of his qualities. I realised my judgemental attitude has gotten stronger and more irritable then before. I wonder why I do that. Why do I feel irritated about certain attitudes that commanders express. I know that they are only human. But so am I. Your time is over, but that to me is an excuse for being Lazy... To me. I too am guilty for such stuff. I did say that my time is over too, but I knew I was just being lazy. I have to buck up on this area.
Recently I have been debating myself whether I should go to FZD School of Design or 3Dsense Media School. FZD focuses on design and concept whereas, 3Dsense is the package for a digital artist in the field of animation and special effects. I can't decide yet as there are too many factors to consider, one of them being my faith to draw. I know I am not an artist, but I love to be involved in concepts and designing. But ever since I stepped into army, there was just too many routine cycles that presses down on my creativity and now I haven't been thinking of much ideas. I have to start to stir myself up and to move on in life after army.
My alternative could be business or psychology. I don't understand why is it I do not have any drive at all to study like Kean Mun is but I know that if I do not do something now, I will suffer my own consequence for being complacent, lazy and just being unproductive. I hate for the fact that I have this lazy side of me and fear that pulls me back on my destiny for christ, whatever my destination is...
I tried praying about it, visualizing myself in the field of animation and movie making, but I do not sense Him much since I entered in this literally God-Forsaken place. Many people forsake their religion and even relationship with their God when they enter this place. I realized that my faith was not even as much as a mustart seed because of the routine atmosphere and security I was given. Somehow I knew that SOT may be one of the ways to get me back on my feet. And I remembered clearly, that God wanted me to go to SOT. Although I am somewhat fearful, but I've already planned it in my schedule itself. I hope to obey this calling to God. As for my weird dream of the future for my family, I hope that it will come to pass base on the choices we make on this Earth we live in.
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