Self Esteem Issues...

I feel pretty lousy about myself right now.

I mean, I am frustrated over the problems in the company. But I know I can't just sit on the side lines anymore. Its time I be responsible and take action. Yet, I still feel down and I feel stupid about myself.

This feeling is worse than when my mom is on her bad side. Its a feeling that makes you feel that you are to blame, you are the cause of the problem and I am the thorn in the side of this department. I know I have to take action, I want to be positive about it...

But if I were to always have an optimistic attitude, I would be lying to myself as well... I really wish I can get out of this place. But the stupid contract is keeping me in! I have no choice! If I leave now I pay a whole month salary... That pretty much SUCKS! I really hope to make the right decision on when to quit. If I can quit half a month later, at least I can go for Asia Conference and pay off the half a month salary... I really want to do that.

I wanted to go for Asia Conference electives. The Art of Worship Leading, is the one elective I wanted to go for. I can't believe I'm saying this, but to me, music has became bigger than anything I had in my life.