Finding Gratitude, Getting Respect, Releasing Forgiveness...

Clement. This word in the dictionary mentions about being merciful. I can't help but repeat this portion about myself. Because it is totally true. I'm too merciful. I realised this since young. I've always helped people who are in need, feeling a little generous, but definately very gullible.

I realise within my time so far ever since in NS, that I am easily manipulated. I can't help but just agree to do work that others refused to do. In other words, I was always tasked to do things that are not in my jurisdiction, my job-scope, to carry out. Sometimes I feel like a peice of meat just being cut to pieces bit by bit and giving it away to other people to just eat me up. That is how I friggin hate myself for. Its like a gift and a curse, my name. To be merciful is suppose to be a positive effect, but to a certain degree being overly merciful causes me to have conflict with the other commanders. I can't work together with them at all.

I have a working style which I guess they hated me for it! How I know this? I guess I am naggy when it comes to reminding people of their task and what to do because they gave me trust issues as well as that they don't really carry my instructions out eventually. That's why I remind them, NICELY too.

But the response I get, especially from my "older" peers like Ridzwan made me think that my instructions are insignificant and totally bogus. Like I am useless arse and should not listen to me at all. I guess that he can tell that I don't really fit this position well as a PS. Once I used my own initiative to tell OC that if we are needed at the Lecture Theatre and eventually we don't have to be, he got pissed at me for not informing him and for 'over-stepping' his authority and to leave him there sitting with OC in a lecture theatre. Although he reminded us of the upcoming activities as well, I never once complained. So what is his bloody problem? What is my own Bloody problem? Why am I given a role as a PS in the first place? I question myself many times. I think so far all my post on this blog is questioning that phrase. I can really tell and I guess for my friends who read my blogs so far can agree that I really hate this job. I rather be a section commander, doing duties but at least I don't have to arrow people and I can concentrate on my section. I function in an environment where people praise me for my good work, who listens to my suggestions and at least considered my suggestions for awhile. I am not the kind of person that just throws away your suggestions before you can even give it. I will consider, I will even reason with you and talk to you about it before I start to derive a conclusion. I hate to issue orders, to give people work to do, to lead people unless they are motivated and know what are the objectives that need to be completed. I guess that is where I really need to work on, to motivate a bunch of unmotivated individuals to do your bidding BUT it is for their benefit and for good cause as well.

As I keep writing, the less frustrated I have become but yet the longing to just get the bloody hell out of here is still getting stronger and subsequently, I can feel the breaking point coming soon. I guess this is the greatest test so far in my whole NS life. It is the worse kind of life and also the life on a stupid island has also rendered me into stupidity soon enough.

Puh-leese... GROW UP!

My least favourite letters. R E C. Its the initials for a rank called Recruits. Bunch of Maggots all of them. Attend C for nearly the whole week this week. Surprisingly, manpower expects us to perform with these bunch of low-lifes. Despite their A level backgrounds, they are physically weak, which is understandable... BUT. They are FRIGGIN WEAK IN THEIR IMMUNE SYSTEM! As well as their MENTAL STATE! Totally, no Fighting Spirit. I can't help but think, did their parents even do anything to prep their sons for Army?

However I believe strongly, that physicality, mentality is just the small percentage that plays a part. But the one thing that really, really, determines if you are good, that you are somehow capable, is the ATTITUDE.

If you have an excellent attitude, anything is possible. If you can't solve the problem, there is always another form of solution, its just that you have not thought of it yet. If you have a positive attitude towards the adversity you faced, with every situation you will turn it around to your favour. But it all starts from YOU.

Your ATTITUDE determines your ALTITUDE.

The Horizon never Looked so Bleak...

I understand the power of change, but it has to change for the better, and not worse. OC likes to go down the chain of command in meetings. He likes to take our disagreements and flung it out the window. He seems as if conceiving our ideas will just bring more problems to his life. Its not like ideas will kill unless its something big.

Arrows are flying, officers and specialist have a wall. Well, at least for me. I can't really talk to my PC at all. We are just too different. Although, we have common interest in the guitar, but I just can't comprehend and understand why he does things this way.

Firstly, he didn't give me a vision of the platoon, I had to do it. I used my Male by Birth, Man by Choice motto to get the party going. But that is as far as my mission goes. To improve dramatically, there is a need to expand on our horizons and see the future from where we stand. Also to execute it and bring it to fruition. But what stops this growth is something that humans will always have. The FUN factor. If it is not utilized, it will be hell on Earth.

Secondly, he is a follower, like me. He follows everything OC gives him, which is a little wrong. After the time when he mentioned he wanted to let these group have unit form of training, I knew, immediately, where the flaw lies. He expects them to be soldiers already right after the two weeks confinement week. Then every idea he just take it in. Sure you can take it in which leads me to my third point.

He did not show much Respect to us specs. He wouldn't even talk to us about this. Sometimes its also because of our CSM. I tried to work with him. I really do. I can't understand how Encik Ong, is able to tahan 'Double J' and still work together with him. He is always arrowing me, his PS, and because there is a P in front, we are always mistaken to be the PA to the PC.

OC? Much to talk about. He is apparently being the worst nightmare for every person in Viper right now. I don't see how UP it is anymore, I don't see how we are relevant to the local boys... Although some of his attentions are good, but I felt that it was unreasonble.

I've felt that I have been disillusioned that everything will work out my way. I have been disappointed many times because I asked for things that people are not motivated to do.

I have a fellow spec, who told me that he does not have the motivation to even do his work anymore. Highly likely because he also knows that the army is a place where nothing really flourishes, routine and full of laws and regulations which is nonsensical to him.

Another spec of mine only cares about his ORD, sticks to his BUNK most of the time and will only communicate to the recruits in a soft and kind manner. Not saying that he can't be nice, but I'm wishing for him to be not too nice to them. But his attitude to army is to just do the bare minimal and to slack, get out of the radar and to enjoy his bunk experience during OFFICE HOURS.

Then again, out of the two specs under me, the first one at least listens to what I want and is willing to 'HELP OUT'. Whereas the other, is sometimes motivated to do and other times, if I don't tell him to do he won't do. And even if I do not tell him to do, he will do his own way and sometimes he overrides whatever instruction I gave to him.

This is probably what the problem lies. Within my specs and the management of the company. This is probably the only thing that pisses me off and got me disappointed many times. Because of such people I feel demoralised in doing the things that I need to do and I for one felt burnt out at the amount of admin work I have to do.

Then again, I have crazy expectations towards my own people, knowing Viper to be a very shiong company, I thought that the specs were up. But no. Once new management comes in, they took advantage of the situation and change their style altogether. Although Viper is still sort of shiong to the rest, to me, I felt that our substance is slowly waning and changing. Though I'm not sure if its for the better and all that but then again, we are only Specs.

I think I see a trend here. Apparently, whenever I try to put a little initiative, it causes other people to be bothered and angry. And reacting to that, I mellowed down and was in turn, screwed for speaking up. Maybe I really, really think too much. But that's what kept me going, thinking for the recruits welfare, trying to keep it in the flow. Wanting to not cause others extra trouble and work to do. And ultimately, I derived to the conclusion, WHAT THE FUCK IS RIGHT AND WRONG???

I totally agree that army is the worst place for creativity to flourish. In terms of leadership wise, there are many things we cannot do, many things to follow by and many things to commit by. The Heirachy system, overides everything I have ever came up, and despises all the actions I have done so far. So should I stop being nice? Should I stop thinking? Should I stop being a 'jerk' to others? SHOULD I LEAVE THE COMPANY?

I think I came to this conclusion many times especially with the new OC inside. My new PC likes to give me more trouble and work, but not more welfare and rest. I in turn have no choice but to give my section commanders the job. I hate delegating jobs. I really think that as a PS, I have failed. I can't think otherwise for people getting pissed at me, and I see loads of PSes and how I felt pissed about them because of their own actions. I think about how as a PS I can motivate my recruits but I can't do it. I don't have the substance, the height, the calibre... It seems I was choosen on a wimp. I couldn't survive in my environment any longer. I feel stifled, insecure and totally irrelevant. I finally understand, what it means to be a sandwich.

I hate Army Life.

Fresh Blood, Frest Start!

Today, the new recruits of Viper will be arriving! MUAHAHAHA! Ok the evil laugh is not neccessary, but I can't help it. Then again, I have to always remind myself that they will be under my charge, I can't just anyhow treat them like dirt. I am going to make this very clear, every action has a consequence. If I choose to be soft, I'm sure the consequence would mean disrespect from the platoon and eventually lose control of the platoon. I can't afford to be soft anymore. Got to be more vocal to the new people.

Now I have my own stand on the stand by area stuff. I hope that I can get through with this enlistment quickly and swiftly. Got to go, I bet they are arriving soon. Got to prepare loads of shit for them.

I'm Desperate?

Maybe I am. After all, I did made that vow to never have a relationship with other ladies. As in get into a 'steady' relationship with them.

Pathetic? Well, one of the reasons why I did it its because I want to focus on my studies. Then I realize after polytechnic it will be my National Service and I have heard of the 'tragic' stories of NSFs who had girlfriends. Like one time my buddy actually had Girlfriend problems because he is stuck on Tekong after all. I do not know what the issue is, but I can guess that he is not getting along well at all in terms of his relationships. Although I can answer why that is so, it has got nothing to do with NS I believe. Then again who am I to butt into their problems. Its best I stick my nose out of it.

However, recently, my eyes are roving EVERYWHERE! Even this CNY, when I went to visit the relatives house, my eyes just went for the various girls that turn up at the house. I found myself 'checking them out' and after a while I realize what I was doing, I bounced my eyes. But I just couldn't resist the urge to look again.

That pretty much is normal! Some guys may scream. That I totally agree, but I believe that as men, we have to control this side of us. I tend to understand why is it some men do commit the crime of rape and molestation. Because they can not control this urge for sex which is build in us after all by our God. But because of Lust we have to discipline alot in that area.

I felt that it was getting worse for me. The feelings just get stronger with every couple I see each day on the MRT. I guess I am desperate. But I am not a fool to rush into things. I really pray that I will find the one for me. Soon.

Ponder The Future... Embrace the Present...

This time around, I 've came to a conclusion. That I am just human. But that doesn't make it an excuse that I cannot have an excellent spirit. I can't emphasize more on this Excellent Spirit because I totally believed in it. If you don't have it, that's because you can't be bothered. I have been wallowing AGAIN in self pity. Its not the first time that I have done so. But every I time I went through such a time, I found my inner strength once again.

Criticisms will come. Failure will come. But what matters is how we handle it AFTER it happens. That is the meaning behind my title. Ponder the Future... Because if we don't how do we even perform at our best? If you do not consider the future of your platoon, your stores, or even your life, then how do you expect yourself to even BE that future. We must live by the 4th Dimension Thinking.

To Visualize, Speak, Belief and Actionise your goals. That will be the key to most of your success. Remember genius is 1% inspiration, 99% perspiration. You have a thought, that's good. But you live it out, that's even BETTER. So don't give up on your dreams and visions. Don't give up even when your world is tumbling down. I've been there, done that, but I have not learn from my mistake. I do not want anybody to get caught in my cycle.

I Embrace the Present, by being myself for who I am today. I can't help but be myself. Since I am more myself in my christian environment, I am trying to replicate my secret place in camp. I can't survive without my God. I need to Embrace him now, if I were to even survive in this island of isolation. Its a totally different world on its own. And I do not like the fact that I have to suffer emotionally, spiritually in this place. I can't afford to be like THEM. The Old Viper Specs and Officers. I have to be, ME.

Although I agree a lot on what OC is doing, but he can be a little inflexible. Just like me. So I can somehow identify and understand what he's going through. Today, after giving a lecture on our Viper Behavior, I can see that some of us still cannot 'Wake up' or 'Open their Eyes' to what is going on with them. That leaves me to be the mediator. I hope that my fellow specs will understand his intentions and also accept him as the OC and he will always be for the next 2 years.

God has been faithful, and its time I start being faithful to Him.

Identity Crisis... Who in the world am I now?

I have been asking the same question over the past 2 weeks and its been haunting me. Ever since I had the interview with a PC, I can't seem to draw any real confidence when it comes to making friends with the whole lot at V coy. Sure, I love the 'Up' Lifestyle, because it is a reflection of how my church will be and will always be. I like to influence with the given authority by SAF to inspire new recruits with the things that I learned in church. But I still feel that I am not really a 'commander' person. I don't put on a strong front like the way Ridzwan does, or not as fit as Joshua that could give the platoon punishments worthy of his fitness. Neither am I Fei Peng, who is both fitness and puts up a strong front. I am not like them.

I was compared to Ridzwan in terms of commandership and having that sort of personality. I understand that as commanders we have to appear strong-willed and confident, but how can I do so, when I have not what Ridzwan had or even Josh had, or even FP had. I have been searching for answers about myself and all I get is more questions that torment my very being, and voices in my head telling me that I can't live up to my job. I let people climb over me, why? Because I do not like to impose authority to others as it constricts relationships with one another and I myself haven't really been in their kind of shoes. I don't club, I don't drink, I hate saying vulgarities. I am soft-spoken because I realized what my loud tone of voice did and it will get out of control. But that is what we need to do in order to transfer instructions.

Then people say that I should not listen to the older generation and what they think. That I should do whatever I think its right and of my own style as well as BE MYSELF. Now that is rather misleading, sometimes being myself doesn't make me a Platoon Sergeant. I start questioning on what BEING MYSELF really meant, and I just can't find it. Probably because all this time I have been putting on a mask. All this time I have placed on my face many mask that now, I don't really have much of a personality. If personalities change in my often, I feel that I have been faking myself for the past like 20 years. But thats Impossible! As I write this all down, I began to think what I wrote over the past 2 paragraphs could just be utterly rubbish, or between the lines of all those depressing and lost statements, lie my true self. I am depressed. I am happy at the most trivial things. I enjoy being an introvert and do not mind extrovert activities. I like challenging things but do not like to execute much of it. I like to give ideas and letting people acknowledge it was a good idea, but most of the time they were just ignored. I tried to talk to people, but I can't because I am tongue-tied on my words and can never speak my mind.

Identity Crisis is the worst form of punishment for a guy or girl to take. It just makes me feel that I have no purpose in my life at all...

Discovered Limitation = Breakthrough Revelation

Why the above equation? I have been doing a lot of thinking. Possibly the only good thing about BMT is that you really have nothing to do when you are on 'lau', but I make it up by thinking through what I really need to do or want to achieve within this year. Apart from pastor Kong sharing on how he discovered that people's views and influence affect his Faith to dream bigger and do bigger stuff, I realise I have been affected the same way. Only, I do need the techniques to be a changed person.

I realized that by voicing out, or being vocal, actually makes you look confident. I really thought it was about arrogance and that if I voice out, I will seem like I'm trying to 'wayang'. I was always reminded by my best friend, that I must not have the mentality to please other people. Realizing is one thing, but to put it to action, I have to do it on my own.

Limitations are put by people's views upon you. You have to break out of their confession on you and only yourself is able to counter it with your OWN confession of what you want to be. Sometimes it is just Yourself confessing the negative that gets us limited in everything we do. I can't help but feel a new faith in me. I wish to be a person of destiny, of influence and of righteousness. I want to spread this on to my recruits.

New Year... One Year... Goals for the future!

I've decided to pen down my "unrefined" goals for 2010! Here are the few that I have considered, but haven't really planned on my SMARTER Goals Card.

-Build up physical strength and endurance

-Find a way for extra income

-Save up at least 500 bucks per month, hope so.

-do not eat snacks!

-IPPT Gold ASAP!!! Like once I'm given the go ahead for my second year IPPT.

-Must get MARKSMEN for my range

-Lead with Confidence and Garang-ness, but do not compromise safety and mission.

-Be less rebellious to my family members especially my mom...

-Be cunning as a viper, gentle as a dove.

-Make a decision based on research of the various art schools I have been looking by the end of this year.

-Devise a plan and timetable for my routine so that I will follow and not go out of place.

-Able to relate to others, but not let their emotions and mine get the better of me.

-Spend more time with my fellow cell group members. Although its hard since I am stranded on an island, but I really hope to get my civilian life back in check soon!

-Oh yeah... Look for potential girlfriends...

-Lastly and most importantly, get my life RIGHT with God and walk his path once again. And to maintain and to hold my tongue for every vulgarity I am about to speak.

There is actually more to that... But I can't remember it all.

BoA - I Did It For Love - Music Video

Dance dance and dance!!!

BoA(보아)_Energetic_MusicVideo

Love this video!!! Boa is so fluid in her dance! Ultimate dance guru!

D & D Madness!

I can officially say that I have a taste of how clubbing is like when I went for this D & D. The school was having an anniversary dinner for school 2. There was some emceeing and performances as well as games, but non can be compared, yes even the mask changing performance, to the girls that came up to dance on stage. They were of course in their scantily clad club wear, and they started dancing, then all of a sudden, they start grabbing people up on stage. The lucky guys were given a lap dance and even an up close dance with them.

I was one of the people that got "dragged" up. I mean, I won't resist because I felt that it was something that I need to break, this limit of having fun. So I took it up a notch, allowed myself to dance with this beautiful babe. At first I did not really know what to do. I told the lady I was not a dancer and she just told me to just move. I looked at the way she moved and I just tried to mimic, then in the end I just let it go, I just dance.

The feeling waved over me as I dance in however manner I want, I couldn't care less what people say or think at that point in time, I just want to dance with this lady. After grooving for awhile, she complimented me, that I CAN dance. That was what blew me away.

Ok, I am a sucker to such things. Words of affirmation, that comes from a hot babe and she is dancing, moving her body naturally and with sex appeal oozing from everywhere. I was thrilled, excited. It was my first time, dancing naturally on the stage, with a Hot Babe in front of me, having fun just grooving with the music. It was one of the most fun D & D's I've ever had.

I guess its time I let myself go. Its been so long since I've done so. My problem was always in the area of balancing. I can work hard but can't let go. I have to learn and practice this side of me more often...

POP for 04/09!!! My First Batch Officially Over!

Here I am sitting at home, blogging about the current events and the attitudes I have developed as I stayed in Viper Company. At first, I couldn't cope with the company, or at least I tried to keep up, and by doing so, I have neglected my sleep, my movements have become sharper and I was tested constantly because of my own weak mind.

But now I can say that it has finally turn out for the better. I can't believe my OC and CSM will be posting out after this batch. And what a big change to a company who is going to be totally refurbished in terms of management and even methods of teaching. I will be the next Platoon Sergeant definitely, and I have a very long way to go. The two anchors of the company are going to leave, it is up to all the PS, including me and Fei Peng to keep the company anchored, the Viper culture anchored and to keep on keeping on, if not, improve the Viper culture. My test will come even stronger even greater, and I have decided to step up to it.

I am proud of my section. When they first came in, I taught them what is to be a Male by Birth, and man by Choice... I taught them first on focusing on the little things in life, that will eventually lead to success. I taught them about not giving up, to think positive as much as possible, to be garang, to sing, to be a person of character. The results? I have silver and even a IPPT gold in my section. One of them even passed the SOC where in my platoon only 2 passed. Add on to that, there are three people in my section who became the top 5 of our platoon, that shows how motivated my people are and what impact I have done in their lives.

Personally, I am proud of them. I wish them all the best and I hope to influence more people with the mindset I try to set, and that is the Spirit of Excellence. I find much of this spirit is lacking in our society, so I wish to enforce it and I pray that my God will mould my platoon according to his will...

I JUST WANT YOU - Planetshakers cover

I cant believe I did not share this. This video was taken during my time when I was still training to be a sergeant. It was one of my better singing voice in this video. Although the front screwed up abit, but still its one of the better ones.

Hear our Cry - CHC Band cover (Writings on the Wall album)

Here is another song from the new album by CHC. Enjoy.

Beautiful - CHC Band Acoustic

Finally I have resumed my covers! Although I have been adjusting to my new environment, I managed to find time to play. This is Beautiful by CHC band.

December 1 and Visionary Spotlights

Its the last week before the actual POP week for the recruits. It will also be our 'lau' period by the end of the phase. Now, left with GP parade and the 24 click route march on our hands, I hope that every recruit can pass out in peace and I hope they take back whatever I have said. Male by birth, man by choice.

I know that I have been complaining over the past few weeks. But perhaps, it was all for the better. I am not really happy at all, honestly, since I've stepped into Viper. Yet, I can see myself a new purpose, a new vision for myself as I started being an instructor there. Even with certain signs shown by the OC, that made me think that I can be what he requires from me.

The OC has taken me aside to talk about me being a platoon sergeant. Even my PC has approached me about it. After speaking to OC, I realise that inevitably, I will become one, because of the certain traits he highlighted about me. He said I was responsible. To me, I don't see how responsible am I compared to other commanders around me. Then he felt that I have the calibre to become a platoon sergeant, and he said that it would be a waste if I became a Armskote spec or even a signal spec, because I had what it takes to be a PS.
"So how do you feel, Clement." He asked.

I replied him truthfully at that point in time, that I was honoured for being considered to be a PS, but I fear the extreme responsibilities that a PS must shoulder. That was word for word that I remembered. Yet there was another side of me, I am not really the kind that screws recruits because their bunk is untidy, I am the kind that screws people when their character stank, and they just would not work together. I am particular of grooming people, not torturing them for no reason. I don't F recruits, I punish, correct and observe for changes. I am not a Joshua, or a Ridzwan, neither am I as soft as Suhairi, maybe, I am a Ming Liang for some of the traits. In other words, I can only be myself. With my own values running alongside my show, if I am PS.

Focus vision is what I need to make my sense of belonging. No one else can do it for me, only I must put the effort.

Confused to the Max...

I feel pretty much empty these past few weeks.

I would be putting all my white lie face, saying that everything's ok. Everything is going well, I don't mind making the sacrifice, these are my white lies for the past 3 weeks. I don't feel belonged at all, whether in cell group, in viper coy, at home, with my relatives, even in Church. Its like a whole new void altogether being formed in my soul, and the devil is laughing from the shadows as he see me struggle with my own personality, character, breaking down in front of him. I hated it that I have let the devil win this area over me.

I can't stand it that the fact whenever I pray, someone just steps into the room and I can't lock it. Its been like this since I have been in Tekong. I tried to get to my routine of praying. But I can't. I want to do my own things, I can't. Others can have their off days and all that, they all took up the space, leaving me, with nothing. I hate to inconvenience others, but by doing so, I have just inconvenienced myself. Such is what bullying is all about. I can't make the stand to say that I want to have my off day. When I feel that I am doing something which is selfish, I just won't do it. I can tell if I'm being selfish, which I believe its definately a character refined from God. But even so, I feel that this part of me is taking away all my privilages, my offs and my rest time. I wish I knew what was right and wrong in the place that I am in.

There is freedom in commandership, but that is precisely why I can't see the right way. Talk about standardization, talk about being good commanders, talk about doing the right things yet people still do the wrong things. SO WHAT THE HELL AM I SUPPOSE TO FOLLOW!!!