You know, its not easy to make choices, cause every choice always comes with regrets.
Looking back, the choices I have made, I really regretted most of the choices. Last time, I always took the negative approach, always dwelling on "If only I can go back in time and just change it, everything would be better."
I guess that's how the idea of Time Traveling came to most people. I still think like that, I can't help it! However, I do not "dwell" on it for too long. I mean, this sort of thing kind of waste your time, yet it bears a certain "hurt" as you go through life.
I have been having one of those times. I mean, my mom came to lecture me once again. "This is REALITY, you can't always think of a life of happily ever after. This is the world we live in." Of course she did not say that, I just place it in a way we can understand what she was trying to tell me. I asked her if she knew the way I think and that was her answer. "You like to watch shows that tells you that everything is alright." What's wrong with that? I thought "You always think you can do things just like how the film world says." I belief she did not understand why movies existed. But thats not the point. The point that struck my core was "All this will not happen. Its just fantasy."
I can't believe that. I'm sorry.
I'm not saying bad about my mom. She cares for me, a lot, maybe too much. She tells things straight to the point and lives her life in Reality. The reason why we tend to quarrel over certain issues and even minor issues is basically how she "kills" the dream by not supporting you. I know its for my good. All mom's do the best for their own children's good.
Now, I am officially on my own... Working for my own money, my own allowance, my own education for the future. Its hard. Oh, there's still my dental payment to pay for. I have to pay it. I kept thinking the amount of debts I carry towards my mom and I really do not have any self-esteem, I don't love myself anymore. All I see is the dark looming debts, the huge wave of anxiety plus the burdens were tripled by work and working life.
I realize my self-esteem will always stay down unless someone acknowledges me for who I am. I am childish, not hardworking, not the best looking guy in whatever social group I'm in. I am not spiritually strong, I am sensitive to dust and other small particles that like to get in my nose and throat. My bad habits are basically rubbing my nose, biting nails, i mean someone commented on me being unhygienic in the workplace. Well I am who I am, and I'm easily bullied because I'm naive, too goody two shoes, always a dork in other people's sight.
Sure cell group I can be myself, but sometimes, when I play the guitar, I feel the emptiness, I feel something was missing, it was not the presence of God that was missing. Its the love that I had. Its somehow gone, perverted. Simply I have no talent. Some people said I have, I say, I really do not have.
This is probably the most emo post I'm doing, but I'm going to put it up. Why? Because I want you to know, how some people think. This was my thinking last week, until Saturday when cell group changed the atmosphere.
Then monday, something bad happened again. The blow was heavy, had to cry it out... But in the end, I still came out strong. Not by my strength, but by your strength, Father. By the way, if this post scared you... I'm sorry, its just the way it was... Had to let that out.
By the way, watched Drillbit Taylor last night, great show I give it 3.5/5 overall, but the morals it teach? 4/5.
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